Draft 3


Stories can begin anywhere.  Apparently a story needs a beginning, but I don’t know where to begin. In a way I like that. It leaves an open space where anything can happen. The beginning may be a surprise and when I think about this, I realise life is like that too. There is no ultimate beginning, less it be a type of omnipresent ground of being: a presence that is a beginning-less beginning. Before I lose you with this paradoxical verbal conundrum, I’ll dive in and begin somewhere. How about now? Why can’t now be a beginning?


A perspective that life itself is a story colors what I mean by story in the sense I’m using the word. Writing about my life is giving commentary to an ongoing, unfolding story. When I contemplate where to begin I am struck by a sense of overwhelming vastness, for this story never really began. It only appears to have begun. Not only that, but any place could suffice as a beginning. This avenue of thinking then leads me to an entirely different question. What in my story is worthy of the telling? What is worth sharing with you? I’ll start with a dream.


Over the years I often wrote descriptions and commentaries of my dreams. Some of these dreams had the quality of being especially significant. Some were potent, lucid and left an impression that would be retained years later. One such dream had me and others floating in a pinkish space. We were all like orbs of conscious energy floating somewhat aimlessly in a space that felt like a huge bubble or cocoon. There was a pleasant sensation of being able to move where I chose but also a sense of what’s the point? There was a dull feeling of dissatisfaction. At some moment in this warm bath of energy I became aware of something in the distance, felt immediately drawn to, and began floating slowly towards. As I drew closer it shone, a yellowish light brighter than the pinkish hue and when even closer, observed a door with a shining symbol on it. The symbol finally became clear. It was actually the number fifty-five. As I neared the door, it began to open and then I awoke.


Fifteen years after the dream, a friend, Janet, invited me out for dinner for my fifty-fifth birthday and suggested that we visited Leanne afterwards. Five days earlier Leanne had made a life-style seed change by leaving the inner City and renting a large sprawling house in the Upper Yarra Valley. It would be another nine months before Leanne and I began the process of deep, multi-dimensional bonding. It was only after we made a commitment to our relationship that I remembered this dream.


The Devil played behind the scenes. He is crafty like that. He is a symbol of course but a useful one. He represents all that influences from within the counting house of the psyche. The influence is because of a programming that has no beginning I know of. The psyche is programmed with a matrix-like web of imprints. It is like a counting house because it operates in calculated ways. The Devil is obsessed with math. He is so busy doing math and generally measuring this against that, he forgets to smell the roses. In fact he rarely even notices them. His driving force is a sense of inadequacy. The Devil is the enemy as long as he remains hidden. He is the central reason why we don’t fulfill our highest potential.

We all have our own personal Devil, (I hope you realise my use of words as a non-literal and symbolic style) and often the Devil is in the detail. It is in the daily details of life that his presence plays out, but is only recognized by an astute eye. This is because he is a master of clever subterfuge. How else could he survive? And if I cast a penetrating eye on his clever ways as revealed in another, this is really only a mirror of his existence in my own story. The Devil is an avatar that one has identified with or that has embedded itself into ones self-image; an avatar in its technological context as a second self.

A relationship that has profound evolutional opportunities for both supports the transformational work of exposing the Devil. This is a golden portal through which both can help each other to uncover demonic programming. Certainly, any intimate relationship throws or digs up hidden traits that do not further the relationship or the world; nor one’s own higher evolutional destiny. The scenarios that accompany a relationship from its outset give plenty of evidence of ‘old whiskers’. The responses to his largely unconscious antics and habits present an early testing ground for the relationship, especially after the stardust has fallen from the eyes.


There are defining moments that point to something that logic can hardly believe. Such pointers are never certainties, but rather portals of opportunity. The dream door with fifty-five was opening but it was up to me to walk through or not. In mid 2004 it was still too premature and yet the warp and woof of the matrix was slowly weaving its way to its climatic moments. There had been a couple of evenings that Janet, Leanne and I had spent together, and a strong inner connection had been established: but it took a close encounter with death that Leanne experienced in July that opened a gateway for the dynamic to move to another level.

What can seem like numerous random and essentially unrelated factors from an eagle’s eye perspective can begin to form into an inter-connected and meaningful pattern. What appears chaotic suddenly begins to reveal a subtle orderliness. The connections are there but the tendency to view life myopically hides this. Synchronicity, in the Jungian sense, is happening continuously but we tend to only become aware of it in exceptional circumstances or especially powerful times. In other words, the awareness of the a-causal connections between seemingly unrelated elements could suddenly begin to reveal a meaningful pattern. In retrospect I became aware of Leanne’s brush with death as a dramatic incident that opened another gateway to our mutual destiny and a thread in a meaningfully complex story. According to one theory the future pulls us to it as well as the past pushing from behind. I tend towards believing this to be so.

Janet was interstate when she heard about the accident. She had left her car with Leanne and now it was a write off, but thankfully Leanne survived. A drunken driver had careered his four-wheel drive into the car throwing Leanne out of the driver’s door. One arm was very badly split open. Emergency surgery and some remarkable healing followed. The major change occurred to Leanne’s inner world: a shift into an altered state of consciousness. Leanne was back at work in a community centre within a week. Janet had told me about this accident and I visited Leanne at work to find out how she was and offer support. As soon as she saw me she arose from her desk and greeted me enthusiastically. This surprised and pleased me and we proceeded to a nearby café. When we parted I felt impelled to kiss her cheek. That kiss contained a hidden message. Souls knew something that half asleep minds were not yet seeing.

The trajectory that the dynamics between Leanne and I and life in general took over the following three months was volatile and ever changing; like a well-scripted plot that unraveled slowly but with many twists and turns. There were pivotal moments. There always are in life; moments when decisions lead one through a portal and into directions that become a part of one’s future.


What moment defined a soon to be lived destiny: all those small steps that seem innocent at the time: a kiss, touching of hands, a loving hug? My innermost self knew the moment of no return. It was on the veranda overlooking the forest with Janet close by. It was a kiss. No ordinary kiss but the first full-hearted kiss, together with an embrace that said ‘this is it. I am yours’. Mandy and I had agreed to give each other total freedom for a few weeks without contact. It was about a week into this phase and it would be a few more days before I told her in somewhat mystical circumstances.

Dan Millman has written many best sellers, among them “The Life You Were Meant To Live”.

This is a book about life purpose and is constructed around a type of numerological addition, whereby one adds all single digits of ones birthdate. Mine for instance is 31/01/1949 or 3+1+1+1+9+4+9=28. 2+8=10. 1+0=1. So I am a 28/10/1.

All these levels of numbers have specific meaning. Now take this in. Leanne and I were both 28/10/1. So was Janet, Mandy and Leanne’s ex, James 28/10/1. If that wasn’t enough Leanne and I both informed our ex’s on the twenty eighth of October: 28/10, unbeknown to us at the time. Go reason!

Skeptics will always find a way to discount mystical happenings. Or they will find a rational explanation. It is a waste of time and energy to try and pierce through such armor unless there is a crack in the wall. Bruce H Lipton and Steve Bhaerman have co-authored a marvelous book that traces the history of scientific materialism, of which atheistic skepticism and cynicism are by-products. ‘Spontaneous Evolution’ covers the field expansively. This subject belongs to the symbolism surrounding the 2012 Mayan calendar phenomena. The shifting from a materialistic dominated to a mystical paradigm is what humanity is passing through in all its complexity. It was this transition that brought Leanne and I together to help: each other and the world.   It is a shift in individual and collective consciousness. We must evolve to the next stage of our evolution. Relationships need to serve the greater good. So on the seventeenth of December 2004 Leanne and I married. We then spent the next nine months alchemically transforming into a two-headed unit. This was our incubation. It allowed a foundation to be built. Varun, Charlie and Noah (Varun, my son was seventeen, Leanne’s two boys, Charlie and Noah were ten and seven respectively) all found it challenging to adapt to this sudden, new life. Leanne and boys joined Varun and I in my Warburton rented house.

Almost everyone who knew us was shocked at the suddenness of our marriage. We didn’t care much. We were so merged. What informed us that our union was so meant to be? The so-called law of attraction is more than biological phenomena: more than a chemical reaction. More implies there is a meta-physical dimension at play. Not all attraction between people includes this. Of course a lusty response may be dominated by biological chemistry but even then I doubt if there isn’t another level of attraction at play, even if minimally. With Leanne I experienced multi-levels of attraction: physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Eight years later all the above are stronger and more mature but all wonderfully intact.


So is this a love story? In part maybe but it never set out to be. In truth I needed to fall more deeply in love with life and myself. This is a work in progress. My emotional experience drifts across a spectrum like weather. I want to follow Joseph Campbell’s advice and follow my bliss. But I don’t always know where my bliss is. I can only follow something that exists. An insight was that to follow your bliss you have to be that bliss.

That’s a bit like this story without a beginning. I can only follow what’s there. So sometimes I follow a void. A void leads nowhere but it can change. It can invite ripples that emerge from nowhere. Bliss can just happen too. But if only the treasure was that easy to find!

After all, that was my quest: a quest for love in all its dimensions and aspects. Isn’t that deep down what we all seek? A love affair with life: a romance inwardly and externally? And not knowing this we compensate in all manner of ways. The quest led me through strange lands and many relationships. Unasked questions pulsed within my restlessness. Where is love? Where is bliss? Step by step I closed in on the treasure I sought for. In the process much was discarded. Then it occurred that what promised to be ‘it’ was not quite it. There were fatal flaws in the storyline. Nevertheless, I was getting closer. Like sitting an exam and receiving eighty instead of a previous sixty. We learn as we go. We live and learn and gradually close in on the golden chalice. The price is to surrender whatever is preventing bliss and that can be very difficult. Nonetheless, Leanne represented a quantum leap in my quest. We were both ready for this.

It wasn’t easy to let go of my emotional attachment to Mandy. Yet I knew it had to be. One evening I’d been at Launching Place alone during the twilight of evening and purged emotionally. I had to talk it out to the trees and the wind. I had to cry it out: as long as it took. This was my breaking down and breaking through. It was the way to invite the new by letting go of the old. I was that more ready to be Leanne’s partner. The quest for love isn’t without pain.

My book “Quest” was self-published in late 2005. Leanne edited and arranged the type setting, formatting and everything else including dealing with designers, proofreaders and printers. We had by then renovated and occupied an old warehouse type space on the outskirts of town that served as our first community cum retail venture. This is where we had the book launch and quite a good crowd came along. I signed copies of Quest and it was all quite surreal. This was literally a dream come true. I’d fantasized about having a book in hand with my name on it, as if it were some distant past-life nostalgia needing to be relived. Almost seven years later I am on the brink of my second book being published. This is a golden thread in the tapestry of who I am. Being a writer defines in part who I am and what I am here to do. Writing is at least a part of how I follow my bliss. Often when writing I am in bliss. Being married to Leanne is another thread. Like a coat made of many colors life stories are fascinatingly complex.

So, how is this beginning-less story shaping up? I forgot to add: this story doesn’t have middle or an end either. It isn’t a measured work. How long is a piece of string? Answer: as long as it is. Am I saying anything worthwhile? I think I am. There is much I want to share. I’m not sure what it is exactly, only approximately, but if I keep writing it might seep through the gaps. It may even burst the dam and flood the page. The inner voice prompts ‘keep going, let the river finds its way to the ocean’.

In 2007 it felt time to move out of our ‘shed’ but where to? I was walking along Warburton’s main street when I noticed a for sale sign in the window of Yarra Valley Showcase. Some weeks later, in March we moved in to our own rented shop. This move marked a great change in our life style and lives.

Life is like a chess game I’ve often thought. We are participants. We make a move, and then Life makes its move. Some moves are minor and some are major. And moves are accumulative. I’ll change this metaphor a tad. Life is like a never-ending series of chess games; without a beginning that I know. When I lose one game that is not the end. Another game follows. Likewise when I win that’s not it! The games continue. What is the point then? The point is that we have an opportunity to evolve. It frustrates me when I observe someone week in week out not improving at table tennis or chess. Of course it mirrors my own tendency to become stuck in a rut. But on the other hand it is pleasing to observe someone improving. This models my own potential. So, I can view my life in this way. The main relationships I’ve had are not repeats. And I’m grateful to all who have been a part of my journey. Leanne is whom I need to be with now. We have had eight years of growth. This augurs well. We support each other’s growth processes even if they take us apart from each other at times. It is a mature relationship.

It was during the latter part of 2006, before we moved into our shop, that Leanne discovered an inner desire to study Eurythmy, a Steiner inspired movement to the spoken word and music. This was to be a five-year part time study involving travel to Melbourne’s inner suburbs twice a week and quite an amount of money. This was a test for me. I’d already followed my own calling some months earlier by starting up meditation circles. This sudden decision challenged me on a few levels. Leanne had rarely been far apart from me and in my mind I was still holding onto an old image: that Leanne and I would work together in a type of creative tandem. This didn’t fit the image. And then there was the money. I didn’t quite see it then, but money represented to me something personal and idiosyncratic. I’d rarely had much money or possessions but always sufficient. When my long term relationship with Deborah, Varun’s mother, ended in 1999, I found myself on my own and financially independent. I left with nothing but at least could start again with a sense of personal responsibility. Over the years before being with Leanne I’d saved a little and prided myself on my ability to keep my head above water and never be in debt. Certainly being with Leanne increased the financial part of my life. This was a novel and positive feeling, not that we had much but compared to my normal situation it felt substantial. This money had dwindled away by 2006 and so I felt nervous whenever a largish sum of money was outgoing. This was more about attitude than money. Leanne is pragmatic. She does what needs to be done. So she applied and got a job with an employment agency called Sarina Russo. The local branch happened to be in Warburton. Her wages essentially paid for her Eurythmy.

My quest had led me to Leanne. And in 2007 had led me to Yarra Valley Showcase. There was a second shop room that we really wanted and the two women who shared it had a break up and it was ours. We named the second room Books on the River and registered our business under two names. On the very day we opened our new business there was a giant local book sale and I ended up with a substantial part of someone’s private book collection. On the very week we opened there was Warburton’s first Harmony Festival at the local Art Centre. This was a prophetic omen as I was to become increasingly involved in this festival, until in March 2012 I oversaw as co-director the fourth Warburton Harmony Festival, a five-day celebration of spiritual arts.


I’d never been a social activist. I wasn’t comfortable in groups if I had to actively participate, unless I was leading in some manner.  As a child my general orientation was to be alone or with a few ‘special’ friends. Through my thirties and into my forties and fifties, I had often facilitated groups but always as a lone leader, a lone wolf. Social activism hadn’t been a factor either, until that is Leanne and I played shop in Warburton. In early 2007 I became aware of fully laden logging trucks rumbling through the town. This deeply disturbed me and I wanted to know more about where they were coming from and going to. Many events evolved from this: petitions, rally’s, meetings, workshops, information sessions, meetings with politicians and other civil servants and this involved me becoming President of Warburton Environment, a position I held for four years. Someone had to do it!

Do you see how many stories interweave to create a bigger story? And I am being selective. The last eight years alone have had so many threads in my life’s tapestry. The point is; this is not random. There is an underlying pattern that belongs to a greater order and purpose. Atheists and scientific materialists would poo-poo this statement. Mystics, quantum physicists and other leading edge thinkers would tend to agree with me. In the virtual world of evolving probabilities Leanne and I were destined to meet and marry. Decisions I made in my childhood, seemingly unrelated, helped to guide my path towards meeting Leanne on my fifty-fifth birthday on the other side of the planet. The matrix is a multi-dimensional field of dreams. We are dreaming ourselves towards a destined future, but how we get there involves what we describe as free will. The key shift in evolutional terms is consciousness. As the inherent dreamer (the wizard behind the curtain) becomes more conscious so do choices become clearer.

Nothing is wasted. All experiences before meeting Leanne were grist for this mill. Being with Leanne is grist for a mill I can only be vaguely aware of. But as the journey evolves people I meet, places I visit, experiences I have, opportunities that occur, all have the mark of the unseen hand that guides me. One decision can have potent ramifications and consequences. Marrying Leanne was one such decision. I love the waving between total merging into one unified entity and then back into one’s individuality. I love that Leanne and I both easily drift from one to the other. This is truly the best of both worlds. This is learning to love a primary polarity and yet be beyond any friction. It hasn’t come without a price. I’ve had to let go of lopsided extremes. In fact I’ve had to experience my quota of extremes in order to evolve beyond their seductive allurements. The quest has partly been an unconscious search for balance. How fortunate I’m married to a Libran!

The concerns I felt for the local environment moved in meaningful yet unpredictable ways. It led me to meeting and getting to know people I wouldn’t have otherwise. Of these a few have become intimate friends. This in turn led to other opportunities and decisions. I began writing again. In 2008 I began composing Sunday poems. My boundaries were very loose and I shared these Sunday offerings with my Warburton Environment e-mail groups even though most poems had little directly to do with the environment. The positive feedback I received from a few was enough to encourage me to keep this going. Poetry I found offered me an outlet to express my most sublime and mystical insights and beliefs. This in turn led to some performances.

What was happening was a ‘coming out’ of the closet. Being in the main street of Warburton was hardly a way of hiding away. Our shop was becoming a hub. The years 2007-2008 represented a major shift in my life trajectory. Without choosing it I was embarking on a life as a social activist and more significantly, a sacred activist. I was led by my own passion. The shop itself was situated perfectly to double as a community hub. Besides our two street frontage rooms we had a large colonial style kitchen outback and three rooms plus a bathroom upstairs. I began using one room upstairs as my group meditation room. This soon become a three room shared space that was baptized ‘The Lotus Rooms’.


Meditation has been a type of inner mainstay during my adult life. This has been especially so since 1981. That belongs to other stories, some of which have been written about in Quest and its unpublished sequel. In more recent times meditation has taken on fresh perspectives and significance. When Leanne and I moved into the Warburton Business Incubator in 2005, after renovating it from its dilapidated condition, I began a weekly meditation group. This was not the first I’d facilitated. I’d been intermittently running meditation groups since the late 1980’s. But this time I had a new impetus; a fresh focus: a clear intention. I wanted meditation to be relevant to daily living and this involved working with psychological and emotional processes. The large renovated space we had was well suited to meditational circles. I soon had a regular number of keen students. With the Lotus Rooms I had a much smaller space but it still worked well for up to about ten people.

In mid 2008 the house I’d rented ever since coming to Warburton in 2000 was sold and we had to find somewhere else to live. We really didn’t have enough money to buy or obtain a mortgage so we began looking for another rental property. Having a business in town was helpful. The one Real Estate office in town put me onto a house that hadn’t yet been advertised. We got it. It felt right from the outset. It meant a move from high on a hill to ground level, riverside.

There was a walking track that followed the Yarra river: that led from our back yard to the rear of our business, a pleasant twenty-minute walk away. This was a real improvement especially in the context of our newly acquired social life style. It meant that a friendlier terrain replaced the steep hill we’d had to climb. Leanne’s boys could more easily come and go. But before long Varun decided to move out and live independently.


Varun was twenty when he decided on a courageous life- changing move. In his early teens he had been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. This was explained as a high functioning autism. Having worked in mental health at different times since the mid 1970’s, always rebelliously on the fringes and embracing strains of alternative thinking, I was inclined to view this ‘label’ in a non conformist way. My spiritual orientation added to this. So, although it was clear to me that Varun was uncommon in many ways, I preferred to describe this in non-psychiatric terms. On the other hand, having a label did allow for a more compassionate and lenient perspective from those who knew him. This is shared as a way of contextualizing the significance of his decision to strike out on his own. A common expression of Asperger’s Syndrome is difficulty in social interactions. A greater challenge for Varun and for me was his decision to move to Castlemaine, a rural town some three hours drive from Warburton. A couple of short-term share situations led to Varun finding a house to rent on his own. He preferred to live alone or rather it wasn’t easy for him to share a space with others.

In 2008, following Varun’s departure, life settled into a pattern. My environmental activities passed through various actions: one of the biggest anti-logging demonstrations in a Victorian rural town, information meetings held in our Mechanics Hall, a petition that was tabled in State Parliament and smaller strategy meetings of Warburton Environment. I took on the role of Warburton Harmony Festival Films for the second five-day festival planned for March. The Festival and films were well received. Our business was expanding and doing reasonably well. My Sunday poems continued. Varun successfully rented the house in Castlemaine until early 2009. That was when his and my life went wildly topsy-turvy!

The Warburton Harmony Festival was not just an event for me. It was an example of what I believed the world and Warburton needed: a celebration of diversity, a multi-cultural, inter-faith gathering. My involvement would develop over the following years. The first Festival in 2007 had coincided with the opening of our business, as already told, but this for me was more than just a random coincidence. It was an omen. It was a portend that suggested more than I could possibly know, but felt would unfold. The Festival revolved around three Buddhist monks, who over five days created a large sand mandala. Various musicians, artists, spiritual teachers and other presenters augmented this central theme. The location was the Upper Yarra Arts Centre in the Main Street of Warburton, only a few buildings along from our business. Every morning there was a meditation session. I eagerly partook of this opportunity to meditate in such refined company. I had the feeling that Warburton was entering into a new phase.  It was coming of age. It was shifting. This has and is borne out although as to be expected there are conservative reactions that are less than supportive.

Warburton was a Seventh Day Adventist stronghold until quite recently. This belongs to another story: the story of Warburton. What was happening in 2007/2008 was a shift towards a more egalitarian and harmonious community. And I wanted to be a part of that. A vision had been forming ever since moving into the region of Warburton evolving into a showcase example of tolerant, harmonious and creative living.

There was a gap between the first and second festivals. After the 2007 festival, a director was appointed to organize the 2009 festival. Dhanesh was to be Festival director for the next two festivals, 2009/10. He was also destined to be a good friend.

Good stories are meant to evolve. When a story stalls something inwardly needs to shift. If that doesn’t happen, something external will happen, usually thought of as bad fortune that forces a shift to happen. To not evolve, leads to a type of death. This is a universal principle without which the universe would not have evolved. I believe that evolution is the partner of intelligent design, not in a fixed predetermined way, but allowing for a spectrum of variations.  Hence, a good story is aligned to an intelligence that guides us towards fulfilling a destined future, but not a predetermined way of getting there. I do not profess to know the ultimate outcome, but a few principles and qualities appear clear. Harmony is one such principle. If one contemplates the implications of harmony some insights emerge. If we contemplate the cosmos for instance, a feature of harmony can come into view. From one perspective the multitude of galaxies, solar systems and other cosmic phenomena can appear chaotic. The cosmos is certainly not uniform in detail. But from another perspective, the fact that systems even hold together is miraculous. What we name gravity is actually a force we barely understand. There is an obvious harmony underlying the apparent randomness of the universe, and for that matter, our bodies.


“I am doing this as a sacrifice for humanity including you and mum. You are both stuck.” Varun told me this whilst in the high security section of Maroondah Psychiatric Unit. This was a few weeks after he phoned me late one evening. “I have missed my last train to Castlemaine and am stranded in the city”. I told him to catch the last train to Lilydale and I would pick him up. It wasn’t the situation so much that concerned me but rather the tone and energy Varun conveyed. He was obviously in a mentally stressed state. I dressed and drove Leanne’s car to Lilydale station where I was informed that the train was only going to Mooroolbark, a station further back. They were doing work on the lines. I drove overly fast to Mooroolbark station. Unbeknown to me the train Varun was on only went to Ringwood, where he had a few minutes to change platforms and catch the Mooroolbark train, and he had his bicycle and bags with him. Consequently in hurrying for the train his bicycle helmet dropped onto the rails and the train was stopped while it was retrieved.  This contributed towards putting Varun into a paranoid and extremely agitated state. As this was unfolding I had arrived at Mooroolbark Station and while waiting on the platform for Varun’s train to arrive a railway employee recognized me from some years previous in relation to LP records he had bought from me. I quickly told him about what was happening and he was so helpful. When the train pulled in everyone got out except Varun who frankly looked scared out of his wits. He had his bicycle locked against a post and had a wild, aggressive look in his eyes. Then he caught sight of me and his expression slowly turned to relief. We were able to leave the bicycle at the station master’s office until the following day and I helped Varun with his bags that were over spilling with God knows what. Driving back to Warburton allowed me to gauge his state of mind to a degree. But I had no idea what was to follow over the next days, weeks and months.

When Varun was young it was obvious that he had difficulties conforming to school situations. First grade wasn’t too bad, and he especially liked ‘show and tell’. But after trying two schools in second grade his mother and I decided to home-school him. Varun did have one special friend back then. Her name was Ellie and she lived quite close to us. They were so close, like brother and sister. It wasn’t until Varun was about fourteen that he underwent various psychological tests and it was confirmed he was on the autism spectrum. Asperger’s Syndrome suddenly became a familiar term. I read up on the subject and slowly formed my own perspective about this syndrome. As the years passed I observed certain patterns. Varun was a loner not so much by choice but rather because he couldn’t easily relate to others. He compensated by spending long periods of time on his own. He had a natural affinity with technology and spent hours wiring up sound systems, doing visual and sound stuff on the computer and generally losing himself in his own private world. He also had a simple natural love of nature and was especially fascinated by weather. This developed into a love of photography. He had a good eye: for dew drops on a leaf, clouds forming over mountains, the beauty of a flower in bloom or shape of a tree bending in the wind.

In the years before Leanne came onto the scene we lived like two hermits, as already stated. On the other hand, we were like an old married couple. I replicated his behavior or vice versa by spending most of my time on my own. I preferred that and had also a network of cyber activities and relationships that replaced perceived more problematic real life ones. This was in reality a highly dysfunctional relationship. Marrying Leanne created a wide rift in this arrangement with our mutual largely secluded life styles. This in part precipitated Varun’s decision to move out.

It was days before I discovered a major reason for Varun’s deeply disturbed mental state. It was then he shared a crucial part of his story. We were walking towards the main street, which in itself felt very risky. This was the first time we had ventured out together since we’d picked his bicycle up at the station the morning after he had arrived. I asked him if he had taken any substances in the days leading up to this time. He told me how he’d gone to a Spirit, Mind and Body Festival in Melbourne on his own. There he had approached someone working for a company called ‘Happy High Herbs’ who’d already given a presentation that had interested Varun. He asked for something to help his memory. He was sold a concoction of potent herbal blends that he consequently took large doses of. Together with this he got drunk at a Mexican outlet in Castlemaine. Whatever sequence involved, it became clear that taking these herbs for a period of time led to a type of ‘high’ with little sleep or food, and eventually led to a psychosis that I tried everything I knew to help him through but couldn’t. By the time I heard the story it was reaching breaking point and so was I. I’d had little sleep myself for days and was strung out emotionally. Something had to give and it did.

There is no doubt that truth can be stranger than fiction. When Varun’s mother, Deborah and I were in our first year together, in 1985, she became pregnant but decided to abort. The night before her abortion I experienced a night vision of a glowing cherub like baby and I intuitively knew that this abortion was somehow not the end of the story. In 1986 we were living in New South Wales. I promised Deborah I’d have a vasectomy so that no more unwanted pregnancies would occur. The night before my operation I again saw the baby but this time so small and lost. I awoke and announced that I would cancel the vasectomy. I knew this soul was meant to come to us. I have recognized this soul as Varun who was born in November 1987. He has come because he needed help and to help. As with all of us to some degree.

There was a moment when all my defenses evaporated; ego collapsed completely. It was just after Varun ran away wearing only pants. It was evening, dark and cold. He had been in a confused and hallucinatory state for five days. This was the moment I lost control; a control I never really had. Varun ran like a deer. I followed but ran out of puff as he disappeared into the bush that ran alongside the Yarra River. He was in a very disorganized mental and emotional state and I’d lost him. He no longer trusted me. I’d become a part of the conspiracy. My beloved son had escaped my attempts to talk him through this crisis and was now somewhere out in the elements. I’d lost. I could hardly believe it had come to this. I walked slowly back towards the house praying like I’d hardly ever done before. God, or the higher Powers, had never been so far and so close. It was now a matter of trusting unseen Powers. It would be about five hours before he was found.

I believe! I do. Too many uncanny events have happened. What further proof does my inner skeptic need? I have tried to control the circumstances of my life. Yes, one can get away with that up to a point, some of the time. We are seemingly given some rope; enough to hang ourselves with even, but if the sleeping giant is aroused then another force operates too. So, in the midst of self-created illusions of control a portal of opportunity is offered, and sometimes this opportunity is placed upon us by seemingly extreme circumstance. My faith at such times can be tested like no other time. The tiniest morsel of doubt is then unearthed and exposed. Then and only then am I likely to fall on my knees and ask humbly for help. I believe because miracles have happened. A question this brings forth for me is, ‘can we cultivate surrender and humility without facing a crisis?’

During the weeks that Varun was incarcerated in Psychiatric wards I often sobbed. I’d never cried like that before. To witness him in various states of medicated consciousness broke my heart. But at least he was in some kind of recovery process. On that fateful night I’d prayed for help. Throughout the evening and early hours of the morning we’d received reports about him. He was seen running down the centre of the highway; he had jumped out in front of a bus that swerved and just missed him; and with each report he had disappeared and my anxiety levels increased but also my prayerfulness. Eventually about 2am Varun phoned me. There was a policeman and woman with us and they passed notes to me to keep him online, so they could try and get a fix on where he was. He certainly wasn’t going to tell me. For the next what seemed like forever but was probably about forty minutes I kept Varun on the phone. In this time the police let me know that a phone-fix wasn’t possible so I somehow had to try and find out where he was. He was suspicious and was intent on not letting me know. What he did tell me was that he’d been in the river and that he’d submerged with the idea of drowning. But an inner voice told him not to. He told me he was naked and bleeding. It was clear that his mind was in an acute admixture of elements, as it had been for days, but more so; a blend that I could never label as psychotic but rather un-integrated spiritual awakening. Some refer to this as Kundalini syndrome.

After trying various ploys unsuccessfully, the conversation drifted to the type of place where he was, as being safe. I ascertained that he was alone. He’d broken in somewhere. He told me that this place was a special place. It suddenly clicked. I thought he was at a Christian Meditation Retreat Centre known as Sancta Sophia. The Christian monk and nun who lived and ran the centre were interstate. Varun had been there a few times before. I wrote the address on a piece of paper and handed it to the police. I was told by a return note to keep him talking while the police drove the five minutes to the retreat house. It was breaking my heart as Varun told me that some lights were approaching, but he was calm. I told him that whatever happened he should know that I love him. It took a great deal of effort to not cry. The police found him sitting with a shawl wrapped around his bloodied and wounded body. They drove him to the newly opened Psychiatric centre in Ringwood. I wouldn’t see him until later that morning. The relief I felt at his being in safe hands was now mitigated by my dread of the Psychiatric system. But at least he was alive. I sobbed. I would sob often over the following weeks.



We all must find our way home. This is because we have lost our way. We outgrew our natural capacities to integrate our expansion. I and we are one, so you and I are representatives of all humanity, and beyond. We are fractal similarities; carbon copies with a few surface variations. We therefore have a similar destiny. From an evolutional perspective there are some who especially pioneer the way forward. If the pioneers of any historic period are not powerful enough to disturb the status quo then others will come forth who are. This evolutional matrix is staggeringly complex or multi-faceted. Very few humans have achieved a vast understanding of the way the matrix operates. But as individual monads (and nomads) we play our parts in a drama of unbelievable complexity. What allows a glimpse into the underlying patterns of this matrix is a capacity to step out of the limited boundaries of our personal accumulated ‘view’. This is a portal that is potently difficult to pass through and yet the most simple once truly understood. Shall we explore an example of this challenge?

What we refer to as culture is generally related to a particular society, nation or historic age. Western culture as against Eastern culture: indigenous as against modern culture and so on. An individual can then be an example of a particular culture. This layer of enculturation includes local customs, language and social mores. It may also include religious, ethnic and other variables that may or may not be a harmonious subset of the general culture. This evolutional tribal tendency is a pattern that can be easily observed. It belongs to the realm of collective identity. It has obviously played a crucial role in the evolution of life itself, from a cellular to human, and microscopic to macroscopic scale. Many hands make light work! But this ‘group’ identity has created cultural differences that have led to dangerous conflicts. To then pass through the portal referred to in the previous vignette would require a larger cultural experience that transforms the differences into a unified perspective. This shift is a radical quantum leap of consciousness itself. This is a signpost for how we are to find our way home.

Often it requires a jolt to shift our understanding. This jolt can come in a multitude of ways. Often this happens to us rather than consciously engineered by us. Such jolts can appear random, unrelated events but never are. One pointer that reveals the non-randomness of events is what Carl Jung referred to as ‘synchronicity’. Being conscious of synchronicity implies realising meaningful connections that from a lesser awareness would be missed. This does not mean that one is always viewing meaningful connections clearly. It is possible also to see connections that don’t actually exist, except in one’s mind. Indeed there is a borderland of uncertainty that can never be completely negated. Nonetheless, it is possible to ‘feel’ or intuit meaningful a-casual connections without an absolutist interpretation of what they mean. This type of heightened sensitivity and perception can offer a type of transpersonal guidance. Varun’s temporary psychosis connected with a number of interesting aspects to the greater picture of my life. My partial enthusiasm to help Dhanesh with Warburton’s Harmony Festival was thwarted. In truth I was not ready to take this on. And Varun’s timing meant I could have some crucial input into his recovery because of the team put together at Maroondah’s new Psychiatric unit. Given his state of mind, this clean, open state of the art unit helped, as did the openness of the Indian resident Psychiatrist who really listened to me. I explained about Varun’s Indian Ashram upbringing and that many of his seemingly bizarre ravings were influenced by a non-typical childhood plus his Asperger’s Syndrome. This much needed sympathy and empathy from within the mainstream Psychiatric Services extended to help received in the post-hospital period. It also led to a series of life changing opportunities that has profoundly redirected my life, inwardly and outwardly.


The following chapter is reprinted from my yet to be published book ‘Portal’ with a few minor changes.

I had reached a pivotal place two years earlier; I was more stuck at that time than I knew. Spiritual evolution often needs jolts to get things moving, to move the geometry from a repetitive cycle to an expanding spiral. The jolt was in the shape of Varun experiencing what psychiatry refers to as a psychotic episode, but what some spiritually inclined call by other terms that imply a degree of un-integrated awakening. This sudden traumatic circumstance instigated many shifts in consciousness and worldly activity but to cut to the chase, I inwardly prayed and called for help. This led to a meeting with a Native American doctor, shaman and psychiatrist who introduced me to ways of working that proved to be revolutionary for myself and many others, who over the next two years joined my fortnightly gatherings. This way of working was known as Hocokah in the Lakota tradition.

It was late afternoon when a friend rang and told me about the doctor.

“You really should see this guy,” she insisted.

The following day I found myself in an upstairs room, together with twenty others. Lakota rituals got the day underway, followed by the first of a number of talking circles. This was my introduction to Hocokah, or sacred talking circles. In the first round I told those gathered,

“I am here because of my son. He needs help and I need help to help him.”

As I told my story the faces, and especially the eyes revealed a deep caring. I felt supported and hopeful. As the day wore on the coherence of the group became stronger, the shift in consciousness sublime and healing, the empathy and compassion palpable. Six hours later I was convinced that Hocokah could be a vehicle for radical changes in consciousness I invited the doctor to Warburton to run more workshops after which I was invited to run his own. I adapted his talking circles to fit a more contemporary Western style. Little did I know then that this method closely mirrored the way discarnate souls work together and potentially with us.

The process of my Hocokah circle was simple. A circle of participants gathered, all who had been invited. I’d meditated and held the space with centered calm intention, augmented by flowers, candles, incense and beautiful music. Leanne would often sit opposite me in this human circle of between six and twelve participants. The first rule was, whoever held the talking stick could talk uninterrupted. When that person had finished talking, the stick would be passed to the person on the left continuing this for three rounds. The experiences they gained from these sacred circles were invaluable as initiations into shifting consciousness. They experienced deeper levels of listening and empathy that would keep them in good stead for the unfolding journey.


How did this jolt change my life? Initially, it presented inner challenges that in some ways replicated what happened in the early stages of my relationship with Varun’s mother in 1984. Well, it was more a variation of a fractal pattern. Finding myself in an externally extreme situation that my conditioned logic would not feel confident of handling, led to an inward shift in consciousness that was extraordinary and supra capable beyond the normal range. At such times something kicks in and one is never quite the same again.

Meeting Lewis-Mehl-Madrona was a part of this shift. I’d never spent time with a shamanic type before. Gurus and Swamis, yes. Lewis was different. He didn’t play a role of being at the top of a hierarchical mountain whereby the lesser beings were cast in a ‘student’ role. He rather facilitated a group sharing that was dynamically interactive. This approach resonated deeply with me. I already had a meditation group with an orientation towards participation. But now I experimented with this new form too. By the time Lewis and co arrived in Warburton I’d primed myself to take a further step into the worlds of Hocokah. What I didn’t expect was for Lewis to announce to a crowd of about sixty that I would lead the Hocokah circle. This was at the end of a day workshop and Lewis left to catch his flight back to the United States. Sometimes being plunged into the deep end is a way of initiation. Soon after this a middle-aged man approached me and introduced himself. David was very impressed with Lewis and offered his group room as a venue for any continued circles I wished to facilitate. He lived about thirty minutes from Warburton and I held a couple of circles there and a couple at a house in Warburton itself. These were my first stumbling attempts to share the facilitating with others. This came to a halt when I realized that I needed to do this my way. Leanne had been reluctant to use our home for this but now underwent a change of heart. So began a weekly Hocokah circle in our lounge room.

It’s difficult to describe the shift in consciousness that occurs when passing through a portal. I was well versed in shifting in this way. It had been a major part of my spiritual journey. It was a part of my make-up that I incarnated with. Of course it had opposition from within and without. The quest is not static. The difficulty in describing this is partly because language can only bridge to actual experience to a degree. But a shift does happen: from ‘ordinary’ to ‘extra-ordinary’ consciousness. Ordinary consciousness in my lexicon can be defined as intellectual, logical, rational and finite. It is intellect dominated thought process. It’s the mental world of making sense of the physical world around us. It helps in making shopping lists, paying bills and driving through city traffic. It can be quite adept at ‘small talk’. It uses memory to share stories. It can problem solve using logical deduction. It can measure, weigh up, evaluate and make decisions. It is an evolutional latecomer and is not our enemy, but it can be if we rely too much on it. Scientific materialists do. Without shifting from this ordinary consciousness life becomes boringly repetitive, mechanical and lifeless. Yes, life can become lifeless without being dead. This is a way to describe depression. So shifting consciousness is radically crucial. Without this we are in an evolutional bubble: like living in one room within a mansion. Of course there is no clear demarcation between these dimensions or states of consciousness. Indeed it is possible to inhabit different realms simultaneously to one degree or another: and there are no precise ways to measure these states. Quantum theory throws some light onto these matters. That a particle can also be a wave involves also the influence the observer has on perception.

Consciousness is fluid at least in motion or active mode. Imagine a perfectly still, motionless state of consciousness: not a ripple. In that state no thing exists. Nothing exists except conscious awareness itself: awareness of itself and nothing else. As soon as a thought arises it’s as if an energy ray appears out of nothing and this energy ray can be crystallized into a particle or remain as a wave of energy. It is consciousness itself that determines this. In deeper meditative states this dual (not duality) phenomena of essence and substance, or in Buddhist terms, emptiness and fullness, can be experienced directly. This experience takes what is inadequately described here from theory to experiential insight. This shift is like an ocean that can be encountered at various depths. It is a shift from lake or river to ocean. Then one understands that all is not how it seems!

Shifts can create havoc. Old paradigms are shattered. When this happens prematurely, or for whatever reason are un-integrated into the larger sphere of self-totality, psychosis or worse can occur; in other words, an un-integrated awakening. Varun experienced just that. Lewis was a real help along the way. Varun has participated in his workshops, completed a number of sweat lodges and participated in many other events that I’ve facilitated since then. My worst nightmares haven’t eventuated, thank God! Close to the end of that first workshop Lewis got us to imagine something we would really like to do for the world and share this with others. We split into small groups of five or six. I chose to be in Lewis’s group. I went with the imaginative scenario that most impressed itself and when it was my turn, shared it. I imagined that Warburton would become a major regional event centre and that I would have a big role in bringing that about. I added that as a step in that direction, I ask Lewis to come there and he says yes. Lewis responded by saying he would on his next visit to Australia and that I should arrange it with his agent, Tony. So it was!

It happened. Once again Leanne and I complimented each other and the end result was good. We were not together simply to enjoy our lovemaking and companionship. We were together to give something to humanity. This was also a part of my dream and quest. It wasn’t a relationship that exactly fitted my fantasy. My fantasy was overly lopsided. Either I was too big or too small; too inflated or too deflated, and yet beneath these over polarized opposites lurked a beautifully balanced archetype that was possible to realise with Leanne. This represented my own coming of age; my readiness to live with balance and equilibrium. Leanne’s independent ‘bone’ was strong and yet she also encouraged my own. It was time I broke free of the type of dynamic my parents had lived. Not entirely. It is a work in progress!

There are two types of schizophrenics: (not to be confused with a clinical Psychiatric definition of schizophrenia) those that are socially sanctioned and those who are scapegoats. The sanctioned ones include most of our leaders and role models. This is cultural schizophrenia. Classically, schizophrenia is a split between parts of a whole whereby one part isn’t aware of the other. Someone who isn’t even aware of the existence of one part appears whole but is not. The unconscious part still exerts its influence and needs through the behavior of the conscious part, unconsciously. We are therefore a schizophrenic civilization. We are mad; totally bonkers but with clever masks that hide our insanity. We sleep walk and sleep talk.

Those evolutional trial-blazers that are awakening to the split-self and learning how to heal it are our true mentors. This is becoming a counter-force that is polarizing humanity into increasingly separate camps but at the same time bridging across the gulf. There is a collective awakening happening, that if you are still reading this you are a part of. Which brings me to sacred activism!

Karina had recently moved into Warburton with her partner and housemate. They shared the house that they bought which happened to be the house we rented. We’d moved out and were able to rent the upstairs of our business, which is another story. I was a passenger in Karina’s car. We had participated in an anti-logging demonstration in the forests of Toolangi and were driving back to Warburton. That is when she mentioned a book by Andrew Harvey, ‘The Hope: A Guide to Sacred Activism.’ I’d had this book on the shop shelf for some time and Karina was the second person to recommend it. Actually it was somewhat stronger than a recommendation, so I decided to remove it from stock and read it. It made a strong impression. By this time Leanne and I had arranged a number of workshop events and with confidence born of success I e-mailed Andrew’s American agent. Jill suggested I contact Andrew’s Australian agent. In this way I communicated with Jeremy and Andrew Harvey was booked to come to Warburton in May 2012. I was beginning to enjoy this role of local organiser and host to some of the world’s pioneering leading edge thinkers. My dream was materializing.

In 2011 I hosted Frederick Marx, an independent American filmmaker of some note. His Australian agent, Angela was in Sydney and had heard about my organizing activities. She asked if I was interested in hosting and organizing an event in Warburton. I researched Frederick online and enthusiastically accepted this offer. His latest film, Journey From Zanskar impressed me and I decided to book our local cinema for a screening that could be introduced by Frederick. This film was a documentary about two Buddhist monks from Zanskar, a remote region bordering Ladahk and Kashmir, who take a group of children across some of the world’s highest mountain passes to get a Buddhist education. Frederick had directed and edited this film, as well as interviewing and even sharing in some of the camera work. I met him in person when he arrived at Lilydale Station, some thirty kilometers from Warburton. We chatted as I drove him back to Warburton and then spent a few days getting to know each other, doing radio interviews, visiting a nearby native animal sanctuary and Theravada monastery and screening his film. I also organized a breakfast fund-raiser. I was finding a new purpose!

The 2012 Warburton Harmony Festival, the fourth, had been planned for over a year. In early 2011, Mary-Jane Reynolds offered me a role in helping. This soon developed into an offer to co-direct and organize this five-day event. So began a journey that was to really set me on a path that I’d imagined and wished for at that first workshop with Lewis Madrona. Be careful what you wish for: it may just come true! I had and have no regrets. This was a steep learning curve. One of the positives about this was the working relationship Mary Jane and I had throughout our mutual journey. It revealed to me, no more, it re-enforced what I already was beginning to realise, that who one works and plays with is important.

A feature of the last four years has been the number of successful people I’ve got to know and spend time or be in the presence of: people who I admire and respect. This includes His Holiness, the Fourteenth Dalai Lama, Lama Tendar, Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Frederick Marx, Lewis Mehl-Madrona, Andrew Harvey, John Seed, David Tacey, Uncle Bob Randall, Doreen Virtue and others. This is a way to convey about a shift in my life direction, not empty name-dropping.

Coming from an East End of London background and a very poor educational upbringing, this way of life would have seemed improbable until a relatively few years ago. This change represents a maturing of my understanding. Behind the veils of status we are all essentially the same. We all have the same basic potential. Those mentioned above do know a few ‘secrets’, but these secrets are what humanity needs to grasp now. They are all sacred activists. So are we in the making.  They have all realized the power inherent in human potential. So can we. They all are pioneers of evolutional growth. They invite us to join.


Andrew Harvey has written or co-authored about thirty books. I’ve read a number of them. It began with The Hope. By the time I met Andrew in person I’d read a couple more. On the day he arrived in Melbourne I visited my mother on the way to the airport and left in plenty of time, I thought. But coming from an unfamiliar direction I got hopelessly lost and by the time I parked my car there was little time left. It’s kind of funny how challenges come in all shapes and sizes. There I was trying to be calm and centered but in reality almost having a nervous breakdown. As it was by the time Andrew and his Australian agent, Jeremy, emerged from the crowd it was quite some time after I’d arrived. “All that anxiety, for what” I thought. “Oh you self of little faith!” I attempted to reclaim a modicum of ‘cool’ and felt like I was waiting for the Queen, which is funny if you know Andrew. His entrance was quite theatrical but also very human. It somehow put me at ease without any great fuss. He was dressed in very dark clothes with an overcoat, scarf and a mop of black hair. Andrew’s immediate concern was with lighting up a cigarette, one of his obvious unhealthy weaknesses. This was a good early introduction to a man who was multi-faceted and certainly not a persona of an enlightened, westernized guru. After placing Andrews and Jeremy’s luggage in the boot of the car I drove the three hours to Warburton, as I took a back route that led us through the wilder bush that I thought Andrew would appreciate. I admit I love playing host to special guests. We chatted away much of the time. Andrew is very relaxed and pleasant company. For a modern day mystic, among the top one hundred contemporary people who have influenced the world, he is so without airs and graces; indeed besides being an inspired mystic he is also a delightfully naughty boy. It is very easy to love Andrew.

We finally arrived in Warburton and after a quick visit to the Arts Centre, where he would be performing; we proceeded to the Sancta Sophia Meditation Community, just a few minutes out of town. There he was introduced to Sister Kathleen Murphy and Father Kenneth Petersen. Sister Kathleen is a Dominican and Father Kenneth is of the order of Carmelites. They are both committed to cultivating interfaith dialogue and to this end facilitate many inspiring events at their meditation centre. Sancta Sophia had already become my first choice as a place to stay for visiting guests. I’d got to know Kathleen and Ken over the previous few years and my own support of the interfaith movement had strengthened. This was an appropriate beginning for the dynamic that was to be engendered between Andrew and I.


One of Andrew Harvey’s concepts is what he has termed Networks of Grace. I have my own evolving sense of what this entails. There is a paradigm shift happening that is truly profound. A term I’ve coined and used in some of my poetry is Homo Spiritus. It is clear that humanity is on the threshold of a great evolutional leap. The world we see around us is largely a manifestation of hundreds of years of a certain type of thinking. Our institutions are dinosaurs in the last throes before collapsing and dying. Networks of Grace are a Phoenix rising from the ashes. The tipping point hasn’t quite been reached yet but the future new human consciousness is maturing and networking. It is this connective aspect that is very important. There is a global web of sane consciousness sweeping across borders. The Internet is a technological aide to what Rupert Sheldrake named morphogenic resonance. It is a collective expression of what Carl Jung named synchronicity. It is a multi-dimensional shift that humanity needs in order to survive. It is being fostered and cultivated by what the human mind has created; a technological counterpart to its own needs to evolve. I am a part of this shift. It is exciting and hopeful!

To view the big picture one must climb out of the pigeonhole. The problem is that the prevailing forces desire to keep us holed up. The way to do this is to tie us up in condensed pockets of petty nonsense and soul numbing entertainment. Authoritarianism is how ordinary human beings exert massive power over the masses. This is nothing other than a role-play that has taken on insane proportions. These acquired masks have embedded themselves into faces. People really believe they are their acquired masks. This is what maintains the divisive role-plays intact. The separation of masks, powerful and powerless, rich and poor, famous and ordinary, all are perpetuated by these artificial mental constructs. Sure, individuals have differing skill bases and abilities but even here it is largely because of the inequality of status and opportunity. More significantly, it is time to shift out of this evolutional straightjacket and into a new phase of awakened and intelligent consciousness. We need to use language in a new way. We need to help each other expand our view. Networks of Grace is a vision, metaphor and a real way of connecting in truly meaningful and creative ways that can birth a new culture for humanity and all our non-human relatives.


Andrew’s evening talk was well attended. My first experience of his public performance style was stunning. I’d watched a filmed performance in Spain but my feeling was that he had matured his presentation since then, but his passion was consistent; it was red hot! Varun filmed it and for some reason I haven’t watched it in full. Perhaps, once was enough. I loved it when Andrew said we were all God in drag. He was a supreme drag artist. Not that he actually dressed as a woman, but he was androgynous in his personality and could comfortably switch from masculine fury to feminine gentleness in the blink of an eye. I felt embraced by his masculine-feminine energy; swept into an embrace with warmth of acceptance, care and attention that warmed my soul and left me feeling like he was a life long friend.

The following day was a full day workshop. It was an exhilarating day. Andrew can carry a day like a hot bag of coals without getting burnt. He conducts energy flows like a great symphony conductor. Then he becomes a Beethoven on fire with supernatural passion. The power he generates burns away the dross like a master Alchemist. He brought me to the brink of wild tears and laughter. Andrew knows the ‘real’ so intimately that anything less is an obstacle to be banished, obliterated and transformed. How could I not support this wild, gentle man in his mission to wake up a sleeping humanity? Andrew in drag is the real deal!

A few days later I saw him perform and almost channel Rumi in Melbourne CBD. It was following this that Jeremy e-mailed me that I could be a part of a small gathering with Andrew in Central Australia, and if I would help out a bit, could do it at cost-price. I accepted this and a couple of weeks later left for my first ever trip to the Red Centre. I took my draft of ‘Portal’ with me. This was connected to Andrew’s response to my self-published book ‘Quest’. One morning at Sancta Sophia, when I came to pick him up he greeted me enthusiastically with the words “Keith, you are a good writer”. This led to a number of related conversations, including me asking him if he would consider writing the forward or an endorsement to Portal. This is why I had a draft with me. Andrew had also encouraged me to send copies of Quest to his two main American publishers. I did so with what I thought was an outrageous offer, suggested by Andrew. I’ve never heard back from them. This at least got my writing juices moving. Hope lives on eternally!


I guess the question is “what am I here to do?” In a sense, everything is a quest towards answering that question. The answer is more like a jigsaw puzzle and with each piece of jigsaw placed appropriately the picture becomes a little clearer. Oh my God! It’s such a large puzzle it seems. Even what is seemingly wasted is a part of the bigger picture. How can one discover one’s greater mission without dismissing all that obstructs? And is not every experience a part of humanities evolutional journey? Is this not all grist for the mill? Is this not a type of personal network of grace?  I know something; that when I’m being creative in a right way, there is a sense of that, emotionally. It’s like falling in love. An insight I’ve had from time to time is that there are two major phases of human growth; one phase is especially noteworthy for its self-preoccupation. It is essentially narcissistic. It’s all about me! The phase beyond this is more altruistic. One’s focus is more on giving than receiving. This is a simplistic over generalization, but there is truth in it. I am at my happiest when giving of myself. We are meant to share our gifts.


I love an adventure; a trip into the unknown: a passage through a portal. Going to Uluru was all that. The resort where we were to stay for most nights was up market and more like a small village than a holiday resort. I didn’t mind this, as at heart I’m adaptable and amenable to a little luxury; and able to make the most of what’s on offer. After finding my room I unpacked, changed clothes and went for a stroll. I soon met up with some of the others in our group and together we meandered towards the café area, with me filming some of this with my I Phone. My I Phone became somewhat of an addictive toy that distracted me from being fully present. In retrospect, I should have exercised more self-discipline. Nonetheless, this was an exciting adventure, because I had not ventured into new territory without a partner or Varun for a long time. It had the feeling of freshness. I overly eagerly gave my Portal draft to Andrew as soon as I saw him. There are times when I behave like a needy little boy, with a thin cover-up that attempts to disguise an inner disquiet; a childhood need for recognition that can be triggered when I’m among those I admire. A little later, after finishing a light lunch, I met up with Jeremy and learnt more specifically what my main helping task would be. I realized that I had a fulltime position as driver of one of the two hire vehicles that would ferry us around over the days we were there. I liked the feeling of being a part of the ‘management’ team. My ego obviously still needs a little excitement and status. My inner child (and I observed most of the others in our group) wanted to be teacher’s pet! Andrew dealt with this gracefully and beautifully by sharing his time and energy among us all. It was as if we were all his children. I think we all felt special. Andrew and his disciples!

Let’s be honest. Part of me (part of the inner crowd that inhabits my totality) craves recognition. I’ll share my theory. I believe we enter into this world fully aware of how special we are. Not in words or thoughts but it’s a primary innermost knowing. We are born knowing that we are amazing children of God. It doesn’t take long before we naturally receive adoration. Not everyone is born into this situation but I was one of the lucky ones. This state of affairs doesn’t last long though. What a shock it must be when suddenly we are responded to with anger, disapproval, indifference and whatnot. Are we no longer adorable? What has gone wrong? Being who we are is no longer good enough. Being corrected and trained is one thing; that we share with most other species; but being unloved is something else again. Or let’s say love becomes highly conditional. We are approved of if we behave in certain prescribed ways. As an adult I, like most, was a trained monkey seeking approval. Of course I was really seeking unconditional love. This leads to a vital question at some point, if one is a truth-seeker. Who am I really?

It was the second night at the resort that something strange happened. Before sleeping I felt disturbed. My personality had felt confronted. Being around new people brought forth aspects of my conditioned personality that I intuited were inauthentic or at least insecure. Waking up in the early hours I had a meltdown. A voice was echoing in my inner ear; ‘who do you think you are? You come here to this country (area) with your ego thinking it can do what it wants. You are a guest here.’ I felt chastised. A period of deep introspection followed which led me to a sense of shame and embarrassment. I uncovered my arrogant pride and went back to sleep sensing I was being stripped layer by layer. I awoke again some hours later with a clear image of a profile of an Aboriginal woman. There was an intuitive knowing that she partially accepted me in her country. On the way to breakfast I passed Andrew and told him of my nocturnal experiences. He listened deeply and responded in such a way that helped to empower me. I was asking the question of myself ‘who am I really?’ ‘Am I worthy to be in the company of truth, beauty and divine power?’


This is the crux of the matter. The ‘self’ is split into two main parts. We all know about this; the inner battle; the war of the inner world or between the inner and outer or between who one really is and the conditioned personality. The parts of the matrix that are in peaceful harmony are not at issue here; it is the war that is the crux of the matter. All my adult life I have given freedom to both parts. It is this that constitutes the friction, disharmony and motivates the quest. The quest is always unfulfilled though as long as freedom is given to both parts with incompatibility present. One-way to be confronted with ones own inner war is by being with others. Why is that? It is because others mirror our selves in their responses and reactions. Our strengths and weaknesses become magnified. Relating brings out our personalities and we cannot hide behind a wall. A mirror is not a wall. This fact has been the cause of much ecstasy and agony. A friend asked this question. How can I stand in my own truth, in any circumstance?


The night experience I had at Uluru happened in two parts. It was the second part that is of special interest right now. That was when I awoke to the vision of an Aboriginal woman in profile. She was a magnificent and powerful Grandmother-elder. She was the feminine guardian of this country. Her side on profile was understood as a half acceptance of me as guest and student in her country. Later that day I was with our group of ten people at Uluru. We were walking around the perimeter. I often preferred to walk alone. Up ahead I saw Andrew resting on a bench and I sat next to him. In front of us was a vast Yoni like cave that was a part of a sacred women’s section. The cave itself was a sacred women’s initiation cave. Being shaped like a vagina, it naturally represented the womb of life from which we all emerge. The sun was behind us at this time of day it cast shadows onto the cliff face we were facing. It was then that I observed a most amazing effect. A large shadow depicting a bearded Aboriginal male elder was perfectly adjoined to the yoni cave, facing away from the cave to our right, as if protecting the Grandmother or sacred feminine. I pointed this out to Andrew with my spontaneous commentary. Then we sat in silence for some time as the shadow slowly changed. This was sacred space. Everything outback in this sacred centre was infused with power, mystery, transformational energy and ‘secret business’. I too was transformed. This was a mythic, transcendental-self experiencing my normal identity as if at a safe distance. What a mystical offering!


Today is 12th of October 2012. It is Leanne’s fifty-third birthday. This morning I had breakfast at a local café, The Good Food Room, in Warburton. A friend, Phoenix, and Grandmother Jin, an Aboriginal elder from Queensland, who has just spent a few weeks among our community giving healing workshops and sacred circles, joined me. Leanne couldn’t be present as she is working. We shared stories for an hour. I told ‘Grandmother’ about a lucid dream Leanne had overnight; how the keynote message was about holding two differing ways of looking at the same thing simultaneously.  She received it as a special teaching/message for the day and on parting she gave me a message. I’d shared with her too my Uluru experience. Grandma asked, “Have you seen Grandmother’s full face on yet?” I pondered for a moment then looking at Grandmother Jin, I said, “Yes, right now”. She said that is correct and as respected elder of my community it was time for me to step up now”. I relayed this story to Leanne over the phone and she said, “Well, you are doing it anyway, aren’t you?” Am I? What does it mean to step up?

Today is auspicious. I received notification from a hospital that my Hernia operation can go ahead in about three weeks. (Note: It actually got postponed so that other health tests could be done first) Also today a submission for sponsorship was sent forth as the first stage of funding a Transforming Writers Calendar of events for 2013. (Note: This was successful) I am grateful that despite my untransformed trolls (for they troll alongside me) the guides are about; indeed I feel they are all around me at this time. Well, that’s good because I need all the help on offer. I know I’m not in control of my destiny although I play a part. I’m a part of a family that is greater than I can rationally know.

This earthly dimension is like a layer of a multi-layered cake. Quantum science is breaking into the secrets of alchemy. Love truly does rule. Love will win. Finally I am opening to a more resplendent communication between energies of a sublime nature. As I sit here behind a shop counter I have photographs (of my paternal grandmother and another of myself as a blissful looking baby) in front of me and they surprisingly speak to me more powerfully and beautifully then they have done before. I believe that the consciousness of the person photographed enters into the image and is itself a type of carrier or transmission; but more. It can be a link between dimensions; a living trans-time (beyond tick-tock time Grandmother Jin calls it) that connects us to our ancestors and guides. There is a photo in front of me of my Polish grandmother. I knew her as Bubba. She is looking right out of that photograph into my soul. She must have loved me. I can see it. My father, Henry in his last couple of years saw his mother. My mother thought he was hallucinating. I never believed so. There is also a photo of myself as a baby, maybe six months of age. I don’t know how all this operates but there is a sense of mystical morphogenic resonance that is undeniable to the heart.


Stories connect us. One of our sacred tasks is to tell honest stories as best we can and listen deeply to the stories others tell. Using a talking stick in a circle is an excellent way to do this. Of course every individual who facilitates a circle energizes it with a personal style. Even here, every circle leader would describe this as a unique story in itself. How it works for me is not how it works for anyone else. The key is communication. We think we know all about communication but we don’t. The normal range of inter-human communication is superficial. We literally don’t know who we are. We don’t know who anyone else is either. The good news is that we are not doomed to this flatland experience; we can take flight. We can evolve into the amazing, loving, spiritual, Bodhisattva’s that our true beings are!

Whatever years I have left, my most ardent prayer is for eldership to blossom in optimum ways. I came here to help. The publishing of my books; this one, potentially another three almost ready to go, could act as a springboard to talk about the spectrum of contents that are covered. In the game of public perception being published is like a badge of honor. It could be used as my passport to giving talks and workshops at a level beyond what I’m doing now; in other words, a step up! So, my goal is to publish at least one if not more before March 2013, five months from now. I love being a writer. It allows me to express freely in a variety of styles. I have worked on this ‘art’ for many a lifetime. It’s about time I honored the gift I’ve earned from my own past intentions and experience.

I feel confident that my ego will not get out of hand with success and public recognition. My focus is truth not a puppet show with me as main character. Grandmothers are there to help!

In a sense, this story with no beginning has caught up to this present moment. Sure, there are memories that will pop up but I only want to select stories that feel truly significant. Stories that contain transforming messages are worthy of the telling. Anyway writing and sharing stories is only one feather in my hat. As for this feather, that uses one finger to type what my mind dictates, let’s see what desires to express from the mystical realms. When I look at my baby photo I see a being that is full of joy and love. That’s me. That’s who I am and what I’m here for. When I look at Bubba’s photo I see wisdom and compassion and I know that’s who I am too. When I look at a photo of my parents, my father with an arm around my mother, I see a devotion that they had for each other, and I know that’s who I am too. And if I look into the depths of any living soul I would see myself too. So my sacred task is to somehow stay connected and experiment with ways to help open doors and windows of mystical and mythical perception for others. I am a sacred activist with a lot of learning still to do!

I am coming out of the closet. That relates to stepping up. My habit has been to half hide my light under a bushel. Now you see it, now you don’t. Am I genius or a fool? Neither in truth; but this isn’t just about whom I am; it’s equally about all of us. We all are shallow imitations of who we really are; well, most of us. We are afraid of ourselves. So we play small or fake big when actually both are fake when fearing the truth. This is not easy to understand. The mind is so disconnected to the depths that it splashes about in self-created shallows. It looks but doesn’t see. The mind thinks but understands little. We have lost our heart-eyes. The soul yearns for them. They belong to the beloved we seek for everywhere. So, I am being asked to bring my light from behind the security screen and let it shine forth. To do so means facing all the fears that lurk in the shadows. I must do this for you! Oh, you must also do this for me!

The other quality I see in Bubba is courage. Maybe she wasn’t consciously aware of this herself; but I see it. And this ‘courage’ has been passed down in genetic transmission to Varun and me. Courage implies the spirit to endure; the love is strong enough; it shines through despite all hardships and letdowns. It’s a spirit that can never be defeated: never! Thank you Bubba! Thank you Grandmother Jin for opening my eyes. What’s the next step? It reminds me of the Spike Milligan sketch where a line-up of absurd looking people are staring at the camera and asking in one voice “what do we do now?” Enter the void! I know that’s the only true answer. Jump through the numbered hoops into zero. Face emptiness and wait. Don’t force words; let them come. Here is a secret of ensouled writing: and living. It takes courage to let go!

Did I get crushed along the way? Who or what crushed me? We all get crushed you know. This led to me playing hide and seek with Spirit. As an adult this played out by now you see me, now you don’t. I shine my light followed by I hide my light. Here is the battle of the two voices; one says ‘you are a child of the Great Mystery’: the other says ‘who do you think you are?’ Healing is about de-crushing. The shadow must be loved back into harmony with the magnificence of true being.


The night experience I had before the Dalai Lama’s Bodhisattva vow ritual helped pave a way to re-integrate the primal polarities. This is like a trusty roadmap. The presence asked me to explain, “What does fullness is emptiness mean?” I delved deep into subtle contemplations and understanding, but a few times the Presence insisted I dive deeper. Finally my response, that I have no memory of now, satisfied my teacher and he asked, “Now explain what emptiness is fullness means?” Again I passed through layers of increasing depth until my response was accepted. I awoke and immediately wrote at the top of a page of The Way of the Bodhisattva the words, fullness is emptiness; emptiness is fullness.  Besides the amazing synchronicity of the Dalai Lama talking about this during the morning session a few hours later, this sitting with an ultimate polarity is a meditation into unity and healing. It is a way to transcend and transform the wounds, the crushing of mortal existence. We are both Spirit and Human. We are destined to become conscious of our true identity: Homo Spiritus! This mystical polarity is a synthesis that enables an awakening soul to play in this world-drama with the ease of a sacred dancer. I too am a modern western mystic learning to dance with my own unique style.


There is an inner prompting that wants me to share what I know about meditation. It is obvious that meditation can mean many things to many people. As with anything I share, it is my subjective understanding and mode of expression that comes into form. So, humbly I will share my views about what meditation is and possibly is not. Where to begin? The word meditation itself was certainly not in my personal lexicon until my late twenties. My first ‘spiritual’ mentor, Jiddu Krishnamurti, rarely used the term. He avoided words that had popular connotations and were misleading in his view. I intuitively understood that position. Possibly at that time I would have resonated more with the word contemplative. There is a book by Arthur Zajonc titled ‘Meditation as Contemplative Inquiry’ that neatly combines these two words. That hints at an aspect of what meditation means for me. Looking back now, I believe that in Krishnamurti I learnt to listen introspectively to my thoughts in a new way. That strengthened my rebellious, independent, anarchist streak, so that when close friends began to join a ‘movement’ that had a form of meditation as its core element I was mightily skeptical. This became somewhat hypocritical because I had by then met an Indian Swami and was ardently practicing forms of meditation. This began in 1981, some months after giving up marijuana for good. (Covered in detail in my memoir Quest). By 1981 my views about meditation were therefore confused. The main reason for this, in retrospect, was simply a lack of real experience plus and a muddled perspective. I needed a mentor; not like Krishnamurti, but rather someone who could literally initiate me into practices and experiences of meditation. Between 1981 and 1982 I had become related to two such mentors. I’m not about to repeat what I’ve already shared in ‘Quest’ about these two and the focus here is on meditation itself. What I began to experience in those early years was that meditation is a ‘discipline’. A discipline in the sense that it required a commitment to certain ‘practices’ or exercises. The external postures, closing ones eyes, repeating mantras and so on are disciplined practices, but for what? I soon realized that the practices led to subjective and personal experiences that were not easily shared. For instance, how does one describe the slow dissolving of mental noise and how that feels? Or how does one explain about the inner struggle that comes more into focus when one sits quietly for an extended time? These early experiences merged with normal everyday processes but informed me that something was changing for the better. I was becoming less opinionated; less of a loud mouth, and more internalized in a comfortable way. Meditation practice was humbling me to a degree. Even trusting mentors was a huge breakthrough. Because I transitioned from potent skepticism and cynicism to surrendered trust I was able to experience whatever ensued from following the guidance that was offered. I literally let go of my layers of self- protection. The other significant thing that happened was a personal commitment to daily practice. From 1982 onwards I rarely missed a morning meditation practice, and this became augmented by visiting an Ashram and doing occasional retreats. As the years passed I also read spiritual books from all cultures and epochs, so I return to the question, what do I know about meditation? Meditation is many things. It is as described already a way to become more conscious of the mental processes that potently rule ones actions, but meditation is no static phenomena. It changes and matures like any practice, whether it be tennis or chess, if that is, one is growing and learning with the experience.  This is the profound beauty of meditation. It is personal and non-static. I love growing and learning and I took my love with me into meditational practice. It is a transcendental and transformative process. It is an Alchemical journey. It is so difficult to describe without falling back into well-worn clichés. Meditation is not only a noun. As meditative it becomes a verb: a doing experience. I often speak about the meditative quality, for instance. I’ll tell you something that’s so difficult to express precisely: meditation practice changes consciousness: it facilitates a radical change in mind and action, if one allows this to happen. For there is no doubt in my mind, that a key factor in any spiritual discipline is ones own free will. We are essentially, at core, free agents. I have said little about what meditation is but for now I hope it points towards something useful. As a Guru once said to me “meditation is like the ocean. The deeper you submerge yourself the more you will understand and benefit”. I don’t feel as if I’ve merged with the ocean yet but I can say that ‘meditation is a mighty river’.


These vignettes or linked stories lead me as if they have wills of their own. It occurs that any contemplation about meditation links with a core quality of my life quest: that of seeking happiness. I didn’t really know what happiness was. It was easier to know what unhappiness or discontent was. Sure, there were moments, hours, even days occasionally when life felt grand: even sometimes inspired and euphoric, but in general there was something missing. When I threw in a supposedly good job with wonderful prospects at the age of nineteen and hitch hiked around Europe, I caught a glimpse of one part of the mysterious quest for happiness. Life can be an adventure. For it to be an adventure the mental conditioning that desires security needs to be abandoned. I am referring to the type of security that desires certainty. With the need for certainty the unknown becomes fearful. When I travelled I did have some vague plans to begin with, but at some point I let go of that baggage and surrendered to my fate, and in that surrender as I travelled on, the trust grew. The stories that had the greatest impact on me in those times were mostly related to the consequences of trusting and the sense of adventure that was engendered by that. This sense of adventure and trust has never left me and here is one key in the quest for happiness. But this in itself was not enough. Something was still missing. I did have baggage and this followed me wherever I travelled to. What was missing in part was the holding onto baggage that obscured and weighed down my inner experience. The truth is, I wanted it both ways! I wanted freedom and was simultaneously enslaved by my own baggage!


That old Devil called love as the song goes is hinting at the fact that we often love that, which ensnares us. We love unwisely, although this is more craving than loving. It is a love substitute; a compensation, like pigging out on junk food because it addictively stimulates the taste buds; or falling in love with a fantasy that leads to discontent and heart-break. I have loved a lot it might seem but on closer examination some insights can maybe emerge, and a simple question. What indeed is love, really? That question is similar to asking what is meditation really? My experience and understanding of love may differ from yours. At this point I would introduce one of my discarnate friends and mentors: Carl Jung. I need to share a little of what I understand about archetypes. When I’ve loved a person intimately and personally, my experience when contemplated in a more detached mode is that I’ve perceived an archetype of the ‘beloved’. The perception of the archetypal beloved overwhelms the ordinary dimension as if I’ve entered a mystical realm that co-exists with mundane, boring everydayness. Jung introduced the term archetype as he did with other terms as integral parts of his experiential psychology. An archetype in this Jungian sense is an experience and perception of a universal type of quality that transcends and yet shines through the personal. The first really overwhelming experience I recall of this (in this incarnation) is with Elisabeth. This Austrian young woman of about twenty-one at the time was perceived as more beautiful and lovable than any other woman could possibly be. Her obvious flaws were overlooked and she was a Goddess personified. I was in love totally and hopelessly. What was actually occurring? This experience repeated a few other times as the years passed, to varying degrees, but at least a few times with that same overwhelming intensity. What was missing, was that I didn’t understand clearly what was happening. Now I understand that I perceived the universal beloved, the archetype of the divine feminine, as shining through the individuality before me. With Leanne I have matured in my understanding. I have seen and can perceive the divine in her, but I now see the human too, and this is more balanced. The mirror effect of this is a more balanced understanding of who I am. Leanne mirrors my own dual nature.


Imprints are created during infancy that is activated in later life. The story is generational and personal: generational in the sense of passing on of family and societal patterns; and personal in the sense that we also have our individual evolutional story. It is a complex matrix. What helps in the healing process is to objectively accept what has happened; that implies non-judgmentally. Many imprints became lodgers waiting to play out their scenarios. When those imprints belong to the early years, they tend to influence from behind the screen of memory. I have had sufficient flashbacks, dreams, recalls and inter-dimensional intuitions to accept that many imprints were experienced because of trauma. Contextually, I belonged to a generation of post-war children whose parents themselves were traumatized by the second-world war. It is difficult to have insight into the effects and imprints garnered by living through times of war, when bombs are falling indiscriminately, one is separated from loved ones, men are drafted into armed service and sent off to war zones and uncertainty is a constant companion. Humans are obviously resilient and survive such horrific events, but at what price? Trauma has a way of being ingested and reconstituted: re-programmed if you will. It then festers in the hidden underworld of repressed complexes and expresses as dysfunctional thinking and action. This is how disturbing imprints happen. Babies and young children are most vulnerable to imprints. The filtering impulses are not well developed. This is becoming clearer to me. It is helping me to throw a few unhealthy monkeys off my back!


What is this beginning less and endless story about? I don’t know, at least in any ultimate or absolute sense. Is it even a story? It all depends on how one perceives things; how one puts ideas and words together; how one sees connections and patterns and meaning. My take on this is, that the way we individually make sense of life is a fluid affair. It can change from moment to moment. It’s also relational: responsive to external or environmental influences. Hence, I choose to conceive of life as a story. My life is my story about how I conceive and perceive my life, and yet my life-story is so entwined with other people’s stories. This complex inter-weave of stories is like an ever-shifting ocean. So this story is whatever it is becoming and the magical element in this is that I don’t know what it’s becoming. Is that not a metaphor for life?


There is a creative impulse that loves to express itself. That is inborn. It is an evolutional imperative. In humans it is quite highly developed. In babies and infants it expresses as a natural curiosity and appetite to have and learn new experiences. Our brains are hard wired to accumulate huge amounts of new data. Just learning to understand and speak a language is an amazing feat. We are all geniuses, but that is only a small part of our ingenious capacity. Education is meant to cultivate and develop this natural capacity to learn and evolve; and it does to a degree. But in societies, in a civilization, that places scientific materialism, logic, competitiveness and a type of de-mystified atheism or superficial hierarchal religiosity, what education is often crushes the creative impulse in ways that tend to hide behind clever sounding justifications, boring and biased text books and structural grids that are methods of control. To the degree that this ‘system’ succeeds, we end up with conformist, half-deadened, unhealed, human automatons. This educational process then feeds human fodder to the corporate-dominated society that thrives on a populace that is disempowered and enslaved to ‘the system’ in order to survive. The drug of consumerism envelops the unwary into a comatose.  This may sound harsh and incomplete and indeed it is both. I am magnifying a thread that is a part of the whole, but nonetheless, it is a dangerous and ever-growing parasite that eats our natural creativity and contains and funnels it into narrow grooves, for the good of a consumerist, corporatized and insane societal grid that is devouring itself into oblivion. That’s the bad news. The good news is that the creative impulse cannot be killed off: only gagged and split off, but it does revive. It always has no matter how its voice has been silenced, slain, tortured, intimidated, imprisoned, ridiculed and ignored. And this voice of human creativity, love, ingenuity, compassion, wisdom and spiritual power is awakening in these critical times, as if the sleeping giant has been stirred into consciousness by its own insanity. This is the amazing, mystical adventure we are now living through!

The tension of a civilisation transitioning into a new evolutional epoch is not just a societal phenomenon: it is also an individual process. The forces of where we have come from and where we are going to, plays out in the microcosm we call self. Bruce Lipton refers to ‘fractal evolution’, which is a way of saying that evolution repeats certain universal or archetypal patterns. This is another way of saying Love rules and Love will win!


There are two primary directions in a fractal universe: contraction and expansion. Contraction is a movement from larger to smaller: expansion is the contrary movement from smaller to larger. Imagine a large picture. Then focus on one part of this picture. Then imagine this part becoming the whole picture, and so on ad infinitum. Then reverse the process. The whole picture becomes a small part of a larger picture and continues in an infinite process of greater wholes. I would like to refer to the portals of contraction as wormholes: and the portals of expansion as God holes.

These two movements remind me of the tides ebbing and flowing. When they ebb they move from ocean to beach and when they flow they move back into ocean. Both belong to the rhythm of the tides. So contraction is a way to consolidate the details of the lesser: and expansion is a way to transcend the focus on detail and grow. This is a type of birthing and deathing. These two primary ‘directions’ have their natural ‘time’, like ebb and flow or day and night. As humanity we are on a threshold of shifting from contraction to expansion. Here we meet a paradox: because within contraction there is a focused expansion. The contraction that is scientific materialism, Newtonian Physics and Biological Darwinism, has expanded our knowledge of the microcosm and how ‘matter’ matters, but this has been at the expense of a far greater picture. This is where passing through a wormhole leads. Another metaphor is about whether we are passing into or out of a wormhole. Any smaller fractal whole is relatively speaking, in a wormhole relative to a bigger picture. And any passing out of a wormhole into a bigger picture/whole transforms the wormhole into a God hole. Fractal evolution is a spiral in which we expand as we contract and vice versa.


How can I end this ‘book?’ I can’t but it will end. Beginnings and endings are artificial constructs. The ending will tell me ‘hey, this is a good place to stop’. There is a difference between an ending and stopping. I will at some point stop and that should be understood as an artificial convenience. To use the vernacular, that is so cool. Nothing actually ends; only stops, pauses, rests, contracts: enters the zero, and then out of nothing, no thing, something emerges: another artificial beginning that may become another book. How cool!

One message that pops in and out of thinking and ‘this story’ is that of winning back our freedom. We are not free. As a species, we have enslaved ourselves. That’s why we are insane without fully realizing how or why. It’s actually liberating to know I’m insane because then I can do something about it. Many who would label me as insane are far more insane than I am because they don’t know how insane they are. So begin where you are. My insanity is because I’m wounded, split and not fully healed. The uncomfortable truth is that most of our leaders are so insane that they have engineered our collective insanity. The good news is that this situation is unsustainable and destined to be replaced by a far saner humanity. We shall then liberate our communities and ourselves. It starts with me. I cannot help to free others when I am unfree. To liberate myself I must heal my insanity. Indigenous people generally do not use a term like ‘evil’. Their term is more likely to be ‘mad’, and their remedy is to heal the mad one: to transform the madness into sanity. This reminds me that the original meaning of ‘sin’ is ‘to miss the mark’. If I see an elephant where there is a buffalo I am missing the mark.

It’s a wonder that I’m living the life I am. Back in East London, during a somewhat confined and torturous childhood, the son of working class parents who had little interest in the arts, it could have seemed a crazy fantasy to have had a glimpse into my present life, inwardly and outwardly, but I wasn’t born to be wrapped in a secure cocoon. Something within insisted I cross the safe boundaries of the known and explore the vaster world. What is that? Whatever it is, a part of me has tried to ignore it, deviate from it, escape it, but this mysterious warrior will not die. It always has the last say. It travelled about London and beyond at a young age. It explored fishing areas far from home. It travelled about Europe. It led me to Australia. It married me three times and had me sire two boys. It led me to Warburton. It has written poetry and books. It has done things my adolescent self would not have believed possible, and the shadow has followed. It, the shadow, has played a different tune: a lonely, traumatized, wounded tune. It has wandered aimlessly: seeking momentary pleasures that led to heartache and despair. It has been my saboteur and dark secret: my shame, guilt and nemesis. And yet despite this demonic alter ego I am in awe at the life I am living.

There is a book and film titled ‘Dancing in the Flames’ featuring Marion Woodman, a Jungian analyst. The film is excellent and in a way the title sums it up. It sums up a key aspect of Marion’s life. And mine. In order to evolve we must enter the fire: the heat of our inner battle, our resistance, fear, enslavement and wound and yet come through more alive. I am learning to dance in the flames: to smile through the hurricane. Dancing requires good balance and a willingness to let go and allow the music to take you. I can look at life as a dance and the way I live as my way of dancing. But it isn’t a bed of roses. This dance is hot stuff! It is a wild flamenco with a soul singing out every emotion. This is dancing in the flames!

Close friendships are a beautiful part of my life story. I pay homage to authentic, intimate and transformative friendships. My first intimate friend was Bevan and since then, from the age of five, many wonderful friends and friendship have blessed my life. I almost want to name them all but it would probably be meaninglessly boring for all except myself, but I’ll share a secret with you. The friend who is closest to me is myself. It needs to be so. The rift that prevents deep friendship with oneself prevents a happiness that no external friend can replace. I’ve known times of great friendship with myself: and these provide glimpses into a future my soul wends its way towards. This friendship with self has been symbolized as a marriage. It is the Heiros Gamos, union of Lover and Beloved. Beloved as other, mirrors this internal marriage. Hence all the true friends I’ve been blessed to have are mirrors of my own inner Beloved, and we need the mirror. So I welcome the mirror and the image that externally shows me what I cannot see without a mirror. This is true friendship. This is why our eyes light up in the company of friends. Our very souls almost jump with joy, but we are too reserved to jump, so we shine quietly. Intimate lovers express more as is their opportunity. I love friendship!


It’s one thing to write but what does being a writer really mean? I think one of the qualities is perseverance.

I don’t feel inspired to write everyday. This strange creature known as ‘writers block’ is a common companion. More to the point, I don’t feel inspired, period, everyday: or motivated. That’s how it is now, and yet I am curious about what happens when I write anyway. Is that one difference between writing and being a writer? Is a writer prepared to work at the craft of writing even when it’s a difficult challenge? In other words, is writing as a craft requiring of a commitment? And is not a commitment a willingness to persevere?

I am contemplating this. There is a type of imaginary standard that I’ve set myself and when I feel as I do today I prejudge the merit of anything I write. It feels as if a vital ingredient is missing hence anything I write is doomed to the wasteland of meaningless words. It’s as if I want to write something about my life or about life that is insightful or transformative: and how is that possible right now? I feel as if anything I think or write is without freshness. It’s as if I’m waiting for some special ‘content’ to suddenly appear out of nothing and nowhere, but I am ‘persevering’. At least I am telling it like it is. Isn’t that a part of life’s story? I was having a conversation with my fifteen-year old stepson recently. I said “I don’t get bored these days like I used to. Do you know why? One reason is that when I’m being creative I’m not bored. Another reason is that when I’m learning about whatever really interests me, that is not boring, and I love learning”. He listened and thought in silence for a few minutes, and then responded, “Well, I like to do nothing at times too”. This made me realise that there is truth in his comment. I asked, “Is doing nothing boring”. “Not really” he said.

I do get bored at times. I wasn’t being totally honest, because there is a tendency to want to be creative and inspired when that’s simply not happening. Perhaps ‘restless’ is a better word than bored. Isn’t it useful to consider the benefit of meditation in regards to this? Perhaps good writers know how to be meditative!


This story is becoming more like a daily notebook. I’m becoming disinterested in my biographical story. My past is like a kaleidoscopic whirlpool. How many stories does one need to share from within this bottomless pool?

In my Native Indian oracle cards there is one that is titled ‘whirling rainbow’. It pictures four whirling arms spiraling around a small still centre-orb. The message is about being in the still centre in the midst of the whirling arms. It is the centre that orders the cosmos: and my consciousness. My past is also has whirling rainbow arms and yet a centered calm being has always been present, every Nano second, as the central awareness.

If I was a frog once, then the same consciousness was present, be it in a less evolved condition. This understanding is a part of the quantum universe we are evolving into. If you really want to know my past I would need to tell you every story ever lived, including yours. That’s strange sounding but not so from a quantum perspective. Having said I’m disinterested in my past, I also know that this is a temporary state of mind. In a quantum universe nothing is fixed: everything is fluid and able to shape shift at any moment. The wondrous beauty of this is that human consciousness in its essential nature is free. It isn’t free to not be: but free to imagine anything into being.


I’ve led two main lives with a smorgasbord in-between. Jekyll and Hyde; Beauty and the Beast; the Big Bad Wolf, Hydra with the two heads: myth and fairy tales are fertile ground for these archetypes; and the masculine/feminine, spirit/matter polarities. These stories have a prophetic message. Ultimately and eventually the struggle ends and a unified ‘oneness’ or integrated wholeness is achieved. Much of the poetry I’ve written follows this metamorphic pattern. From a fractal perspective this story line is a repeating cyclic spiral. As such the death of one cycle is the birth of another, a more evolved representation of an archetypal principle. The types of symbols that our myths and fairy tales depict are interesting in that they point to a particular moral struggle peculiar perhaps to the evolutional epoch we have been living through. Mister Hyde, Beast, Big Bad Wolf and other monstrous depictions (Frankenstein, Dracula) are all morally indifferent or without moral conscience. These all make for dramatic struggles that if we look closer, mirror a potent element in our life stories. Doctor Jekyll had split into two selves. He was schizophrenic. One self was hardly aware of the other: until, and this is the crucial point, he began to become aware. The healing of schizophrenia must include awareness of the split: of both (or more as in multiple personality) of the split off personas. Of course this doesn’t always end in a happy ever after final scene in every real life story, but stories in the main are road maps that convey ways back to health, unity and peace.

The Beast is loved back to health and wholeness by Beauty; the Beast is redeemed by the unconditional love of Beauty. Think of the polarities involved in stories such as Cinderella, Hansel and Gretel, Little Red Cap, Wizard of Oz and Star Wars. What story of duality are you playing out? I think a bit of them all, at least I can say that about my own complex of interwoven stories. As the mix of scenarios is unique to the individual so are the mix of healing modalities that bring one back to health. This matrix containing multitudes of archetypal scenarios is paralleled across the broad spectrum of myths and stories of all cultures. Some thinkers and writers have grasped this global mythic cornucopia, such as Joseph Campbell and Carl Jung, and a growing number of people now, enhanced by the instant access to information that the Internet allows. The shadowy Beast is being exposed, disclosed and awakened from the ‘unconscious’ underground of a split off and repressed evolutional hiatus. Arthur and Martha are befriending each other!


As my writing becomes less intimately personal, less focused on my own separate stories, a shift in ‘content’ and style occurs that I welcome. This feels more balanced. The focus on personal stories limits consciousness. I might name the personal story telling phases the therapeutic as against the less personal, the universal. It allows quantum leaps to spontaneously happen that would otherwise be kept out by an over narrow range. This is an example of saying yes to a movement through portals of God holes. This is a highly symbolic way of referring to an evolutional shift that is happening to our entire species. The human mind reflects the stage and type of evolutional shift it is ready for. It creates the technology that externally corresponds and enhances the collective mind to participate in the shift. It only takes a few evolutional pioneers to set in motion a movement that quickly becomes a collective phenomenon. The World Wide Web is an example of this, even though the original motivations may have included specific narrow self-interests. Of course what then happens is that both Beauty and The Beast take advantage of the new technology; Doctor Jekyll and Mister Hyde share the new powers unleashed into the social sphere. This in effect quickens the evolutional transition by bringing into crisis the clash of the dual forces. This is where we are at now. The tension between play outs of the two forces and the confusion of consequent entanglements becomes more potent by the hour. This is the prelude to a global collapse of the old, outworn manifestations, the societal structures, huge corporate systems that are like dinosaurs about to go extinct, and institutions that have become prisoners and slaves to their own myopic and controlled psychic worm holes. The new human, Homo Spiritus waits in the wings!


Could I be wrong? I really don’t think so. The degree that collapse and change happens is unknown but the principle of unsustainability leading to transformation is axiomatic.  Even if this planet is rendered lifeless it is not the end of the evolutional story: not that I believe that will happen anytime soon. We need to realise that even our Sun has a used by date. The big story is very big indeed. I am no quantum scientist but we don’t need to be in order to grasp the essential principles involved. We are quantum experts by virtue of being quantum beings. It’s only our wormhole-sized view that blinds us to our quantum-ness. It’s only our false identification with a relative worm size view that sustains a fear of the unknown limitlessness that we are. Paradoxically it is this small view that has enabled many of the material expansions to take place. There was a need for a microscope and a telescope. Now we are creating a quantum-scope or a God-scope. I do not mean to suggest that the God word is the only appropriate description: for in the quantum field words only have truly descriptive value; not like the way we use words in the worm hole field, where words take on almost physical identities. Quantum language is fluid and words are suggestive rather than fixed; more like poetry. The first step into quantum thought could be to realise that we don’t know who we are. I am a part of the Great Mystery as Native Americans night express.


This is fun because I have no idea what is coming next, and frankly, I don’t give a damn. There’s space for anything to pop into the quantum dimension of consciousness and then into thought and printed words on a computer screen or paper page. There is an element of freedom at play. I sense an aspect of what creativity is: something emerging and forming out of a silence. I intuit that a fully resonant quantum consciousness could think, speak and act like this; with a quality of joy and love for learning. This is surely our birthing destiny. I also sense that these words are not just randomly chosen but are resonating through me, because in a quantum universe all fields or dimensions inter-penetrate. There are no strict separations existing; no fences or boundary lines.  I remember times when I had no idea what I would say next; how exhilarating it was to acknowledge the flow of words that were ‘deep and meaningful’; times when I existed like that, in a virtual alternative universe and consciousness. What fun it can be!


When I enter a wormhole again my soul craves for the missing quantum field experience. Of course in reality one never leaves the quantum universe but the mind can imagine itself back into a very small hole at a moments notice. The human mind can imagine itself through portals that shrink or expand it. If it shrinks too far one may end up seeing a Shrink! I would say that in the big picture ‘balance’ is a fundamental law. Too much wormhole or too much God hole can disturb the balance. ‘There is a season for everything’ is another simple teaching. There is a natural rhythmic movement between micro and macro fields.

A simple metaphor is ‘you don’t sunbathe in the Artic winter; nor wear fur skins in the equator’s summer.’ Humanity has collectively created it’s own wormhole and entered it holus bolus. It is called Scientific Materialism, Social Darwinism, Industrialization, Corporatization, Free Market Capitalism and human greed. We have crawled up our own posteriors and wonder why we suffer from tunnel vision. This is also called continue growth, but is really lop sided madness. It will have to shift towards universal consciousness; cosmic nature always wins out in the end.


I should like to introduce Andrew Harvey again. There is no way I can do justice in words to the effect he had on me, and on most others who experienced his company, especially when he performed. I knew Andrew had written and co-authored about thirty books, but that doesn’t prepare one for his extraordinary on stage presence. There is nothing half hearted about his delivery. His performance is no charismatic rehearsed show time.  He is possessed by a passion for what he believes, that exemplifies the very subject matter communicated. It is his unabashed freedom of expression and display of passion that is like a fire that sweeps through one’s body and mind. His spontaneous commentary of Rumi’s poetry was quite electrifying. His cheeky humor softens the hard edges of his messages; messages for our times. He exhorts his audience to ‘do something’ but his use of the term ‘sacred activism’ suggests that ‘doing’ needs a ‘spiritual’ dimension to guide and empower it. Andrew can suddenly become quiet, soft and introspective. I perceive him as a courageous twenty-first century warrior who breathes the fire of passion fuelled by a deep concern and compassion for life and living beings. Getting to know Andrew personally has been wonderful and positively challenging.


There is a secret cavern somewhere in our brains and hearts that contains all knowledge. This is the game we are caught in: a maze whose centre is our own Divine omnipotence. We scamper about seeking a symbolic centre where we can ring the bell and from our watchtower on high announce to the world that we have found our way home. And yet it is not really our home, because we cannot stay there. So what is this game we are entangled in? If we can make sense of the maze we shall understand something amazing. To begin with we are on the outside of the maze: this maze of life. We must choose to enter. Why should we? What is the purpose? Well, there is a goal, a destination and a challenge: that of finding our way to the centre. What is this centre? It is high. Its height is significant, because from the platform on high one can look over the entire maze. Doesn’t this represent a larger view, a greater, more holistic perspective? It’s not easy to reach. One must explore many avenues, often repeating them multiple times, before somehow, almost magically, one arrives at the centre, climbs the watchtower and tolls the bell. For whom the bell tolls becomes a call to everyone to keep trying. It is possible to reach the centre. If I have so can you! But we can’t stay there forever. We must now find our way out. The maze represents the actual process of contraction and expansion: God holes and wormholes.

Outside of the maze one isn’t seeking the centre or the exit from the maze: one is merely existing. It is the space where the maze can be forgotten, until an ancient impulse stirs anew; and one enters the maze once again. The watchtower with its bell represents the evolutional experience of growth, of discovery, of becoming more than you were. It is another twist of the spiral towards knowing who you really are. It is a point where one can announce to others, I have arrived somewhere worthwhile.

Imagine you are walking a long, long walk, like the Camino, or across Tasmania or the Himalayas; through many different terrains, many villages, mountain passes, across rivers, in every type of weather. Psychologically and emotionally the changing modes would shift as the terrain does. This is a metaphor for life. Accepting this helps when life resembles a steep climb in bad weather: or a tedious walk across unchanging desert or when the weather prohibits any movement. Maybe there’s a landslide or a flood. One simply has to stay put and wait. I think I’ll make myself a coffee!


Waiting. That’s the greatest challenge. Well, I’m choosing it to be so right now. Waiting for what or who? Waiting for Godot? Waiting for some action? Waiting for a miracle? It doesn’t matter. I am waiting for completion. Or I feel that something will happen, something amazing, or terrible, and I’m waiting for the storm because the calm is agonizing. There are suppressed tears and so I’m waiting for them to flow. Or I look out at the world and it seems to be sleeping, and so I’m waiting for a sign of life, of consciousness. I’m waiting because waiting is my default position when nothing seems to be happening. Oh yes, and I’m waiting to climb the highest mountain but then what? Impatience is a challenge because the mental frustration and desire that wants ‘outcome now’ must transform into an acceptance of ‘what is’. I heard a new word today: nowism. I love it!


It’s time to feed Josie, our cat, and Massie our dog. After walking Massie, and our bodies, around the river: out of our back gate, a few steps to the river walk, along the gravel path to the old wooden swing bridge, across the bridge as it sways from side to side, along the other side until we find a bench to sit for a while, watching the ducks with their little balls of fluff ducklings, listening to the melodious sound of the river as it rushes and cascades over rocks, Leanne and I telling some stories of our day in quiet tones, all this and more, rejuvenates a tired soul. Now Leanne is preparing a healthy meal. This is a pointer to the little things that matter and make a difference. Moment by moment small almost too-ordinary-to-notice life events happen. When it seems nothing is happening life is happening simply as it is. Back to nature could be suddenly noticing a tree; observing a gentle movement of leaves, feeling a sublime breeze on the face, becoming aware of the various shades of green and brown.


I have been facilitating meditation and talking circles for some years, on and off. I remembered last night that the weekly group was the following morning and put some positive intention towards it. I meditated this morning. During the circle I decided to read a few chapters from Portal. It reinforced the message I’d received recently, from Grandmother Jen, “Keith, you are a respected elder of your community. It’s time you stepped up”. Over the years I had stepped up, through, across, in, out and whatever shift transitioned me into a ‘sacred consciousness’ and sacred activist mode, but ‘consistency’ was not my middle name.

It is another phase now. It’s time to put on the mantle of eldership and consistently stand in my truth and speak, write and act from there. As I said this morning there are three phases of meditation: in-turning and in-dwelling and out-sharing. That’s when the inner music plays for an audience. In-turning is the practice of consciously redirecting or focusing inwardly. Using breath as a bridge works well here, but whatever practice one uses once the desired inner calm is reached the next phase is consolidation and this I’ve termed indwelling. Staying with it so that the experience is allowed to settle and empower. There is a moment when expressing from the inner into the outer world becomes appropriate or necessary and this is when the third phase kicks in. Out sharing is then the innermost expressing into the outermost. This is a three fold meditational process.


I think there is confusion regarding what actually constitutes the ground of being. The confusion is worth investigating. With our deeply ingrained habituated minds we think ourselves into distorted perceptions of clear demarcations between things, where in truth no such demarcated world exists. A world of separate things, ideas, dimensions, experiences; a world of atoms swirling about and banging into each other, is a mental convenience and is only a pragmatic, convenient, relative truth. To approach sacred psychology in this way can create a deep sense of confusion and anxiety. One needs to grasp that the dual nature of emptiness and fullness is a metaphor for a co-existent relationship, not a bounded duality. A wave is a particle; a particle is a wave. Welcome to the Quantum universe. Conveniently, we use language to point to truths that transcend the words used. Language is like a bridge that connects parallel worlds. Mind is a potential bridge, something the ancient philosophers knew. Mercurius was the winged warrior taking messages between the Gods and humans. He was a hybrid, belonging to both realms, born from the union of a mother and father of Divine and human origins. This mythic image informs us of whom we are. Our minds belong to both realms and cross from one to the other. Consciousness is a word that really means, awakened mind. If one could understand and meditatively contemplate this confusion could fade away. The riddle of the One and the many would be solved. Our quantum minds are as bridges that span worlds. It is a mind-blowing realization to know myself as a Quantum being who dwells in a Quantum cosmos. It literally blows my old programmed ideas into smithereens. I begin to realise that the shell of the body has so hypnotized me into identifying with it at the expense of my Quantum self. The multi-dimensional matrix that mind and body belong to is like a ship without a rudder if it doesn’t have a captain who knows how and where to steer the ship. Then again a skipper who has the knowledge but who has no vessel is like being all dressed up with nowhere to go. God and human need each other, and they need an intermediary. Enter onto the stage, mind: our winged warrior. This all sounds fairly simple but it isn’t, because as the matrix evolves its complexity increases. We are no longer sitting around a campfire sharing stories and singing songs: well, at least most of us don’t. Being hooked into the electricity grid, paying our monthly bills and balancing our budgets in a consumerist plethora of stuff with work, family, kids and all the rest, is somewhat more complex than a simple tribal life where the essential needs of community and individual were viewed as complimentary and rhythmically ordered according to the seasons and other environmental influences. In those pre-superstore times, before corporate monsters were God-imitators, the matrix was manageable in ways that would be conceived as childlike now. And yet, our basic needs haven’t changed. We still desire safety and a roof over our heads. We still want to eat when hungry. We still want to have a relationship with the greater cosmos that we are an integral part of. So what is mind blowing about realizing that I’m a Quantum being is that I suddenly realise I’ve been duped by an illusory soft ware programming. The good news is that awakening from the programmed illusion is our birthright. It’s hardwired into our souls!


The interesting part of all of this is that you know all this already, but you probably didn’t know you knew. You too needed mirrors. I love the story about a couple that lived in seclusion on an island. One day a stranger calls by and as a gift leaves a hand mirror on their doorstep. They had never seen a mirror before. Until this time the couple worshipped an image of a God everyday, but after the husband found the mirror he thought, ‘this must be a gift from our God’ and he placed the mirror on his altar. He looked into the mirror and had a life changing epiphany. ‘The image looking back at me must be my God’ he thought and began worshipping the magic mirror with his God in it. His wife peered through the door and saw her husband adoring the mirror day and night, and when her man was out hunting for their dinner, crept in and looked into the mirror, and lo and behold she saw God looking back at her. ‘So that’s who my man worships. I must say she is beautiful. She will be my God too’. We all need mirrors, but we have an advantage over this couple. We know who the Gods are!

I’m working it all out. I keep forgetting what I’ve worked out or even what I’m supposed to work out, but I also keep remembering and that is so cool. The matrix includes society and this keeps diverting me up the garden path. I’m no victim because we all do this to each other: or we awaken each other. So what type of mirror are we holding up and what mirrors are we attracted to?


Devils are Angels who have gone astray. We need to remember this. Lucifer was God’s favorite Angel. I shall have a guess as to why. If God had a favorite wouldn’t he be the one who resembled God the most? What this points to is that we are created in the image of our own creative source. How do I know that Angels have gone astray? Because all the evidence is that we exist in a very kind cosmos indeed. I’d like to share two imaginative stories that illustrate that for me: one relatively micro, the other macro. Firstly, God pondered over what image humans should be created as. Should there be one head or two? How many mouths? How many genders: with legs or without? Okay God thought after much contemplation. The head should be at the top of an upright being, finally balanced with a body that would have two arms and two legs. In this manner God gradually put together a human template. He decided to place the eyes, ears, nose and mouth all as part of the head and face. He’d considered putting the nose on the chin but decided in between the eyes and mouth was best. He’d thought about eyes at the beck of the head too but realized it was a kinder design model to have them forward facing only. He’d even wondered about placing the ears on top of the head like a rabbit or cat but no, on the side of the head was more in line with this greatest of all his designs, and the one that promised to be closest to receiving his own evolutional impulses. Then there were all the organs. Should the heart be inside or outside of the body? I hope you see how the final design was pretty damn good.

The macro story is similar. We are dealing with fractal realities after-all. God wondered if galaxies should be all vastly different with a type of general underlying principle as a universal default, as it were. What we refer to, as gravity is God’s amazingly compassionate response to this challenge. Galaxies, solar systems and the human body all have a mysterious type of gravitational energy holding materially separated entities in relation to each other. God decided it would not do for humans to fly off into space without having ways to land on terra firma again. How kind! This loving, compassionate, wise, intelligent (and humorous) nature of God almighty is our own nature. Darwin lost sight of this it seems. Newton didn’t see the kindness inherent in the apple dropping onto a head. And scientific materialists tend to not believing that this intelligence and loving kindness is a part of a deeply imprinted blueprint within our cores. And no, I can’t prove any of this to anyone, thank God!


Go for the big but keep it simple! Step out of the safe but keep it relevant. Stretch but don’t injure yourself. This seems to be the scary yet exciting challenge as voices within and without respond. The outer voices inevitably trigger the inner ones. The inner voices belong to a history of both over extending and under extending. A part of the quest is therefore about finding balance. In this there is no final authority because it is always subject to change and uncertainty. That relates to a dream I had recently whose central motif and message was ‘life is unpredictable’. I can feel that. There is an inner subtle feeling that translates, as I don’t know what’s best in the bigger picture. So ‘God’s will, not mine’ is one way of expressing this. Of course this can evoke terror for the ego that wants to be in control. That’s my choice; do I want my will or God’s will to prevail? And isn’t my deepest desire God’s will anyway? That desire transcends any selfish wish. Isn’t my deepest wish for the release of suffering for all sentient beings? Am I not a lay Buddhist at heart? Are we not all Bodhisattvas in the making? I want to see the best in others and for them to see the best in me. Then we can really move forward together. If you see the Buddha on the road, kill him! It means we are all Buddha’s in drag!


There is something I’ve observed that is a collective blind spot. That is, we humans are all with shadow. We all, Gurus, Shamans, Lamas, Swamis, Priests, Scientists and Elders are all spiritual beings having human experiences and the human part is a part of the shadow. There is a human all too human weakness, imperfection, flaw, shortcoming and mortal reality that tempers the wisdom, grace, love, compassion and humility that belongs to the Spiritual realm. This situation is evolving alongside everything else.  This blind spot is uncovered when we individually accept both our spiritual and human natures. I can think of history as a filmgoer watching a succession of many different types of films. Each film creates uniquely differing impacts and imprints. The film watcher is essentially greater than and free of all these influences by virtue of not being the films. The films are what are created. The watcher is what is whether films are watched or not. But, and here is the point, the watcher does watch the films by simply being alive. These films vary tremendously. There are love stories and horror stories, adventures, tragedies and comedies, documentaries and science fiction. You name it, and someone has made a film about it. The filmgoer and the film go together. The free spiritual consciousness and witness is melded and welded to the human adventure. The human adventure has evolved over vast time. There have been a lot of movies. As we become more conscious we heal the imprints of the more traumatic movies and make better choices about what movies we are watching. And, what movies we are starring in especially!


Being swept along in a mighty flow, a care free zone, a field of grace, a quantum heart space is awesome. The above words hardly express the almost unbearable lightness of being; the mystical co-existence of being unified between two realms; that Carlos Castaneda wrote about as the ‘tonal and the nagual’. There is an acceptance that to one degree or another one cannot stay perfectly unified; that the exquisite sublime sense of being in Heaven on Earth will fade. Enjoy bathing in the light of higher consciousness when you can. One has entered the dark underworld and is reborn into a greater light. The challenge is to practice indwelling. Over many years I’ve experienced a shifting in and out from a field of supernal grace into a mundane worldliness and as some have named it, everydayness. I have tried to find equilibrium, a middle place, so this doesn’t become a type of bi-polar experience. This I see as a crucial part of my practice, so then I will be able to help others to find balance in their daily lives. Breath is a sound and simple practice to anchor the boat too. The balance and integration between the ‘Nagual and the tonal’, is the new human: Homo Spiritus.


My four grandparents passed over to the other side before my teens and I never really knew them. There was no opportunity to experience them as elders or mentors. My filmmaker friend Frederick Marx has helped me realise the need for rites of passage for young men. Grandparents or other community elders traditionally played those roles, but whom did I have? Of course I sought heroes but John Wayne was not the archetype that satisfied the deepest needs. There were a couple of middle-aged men who I got to know a little and who played brief but significant mentor roles for me. What is more worrying in 2012 is the number of young people who lack wise mentors to guide them. As an older elder myself now, with some wisdom and story to pass on, I’ve played a role for my son Varun, but seemingly not an active role in mentoring other young men. The question that seeps up for me from my deeper psyche is, how would I relate to young men, what would I say to them, if I had the chance? Would they listen? How does one win their respect? Would they read what I write? With Varun I’ve tried to connect on a deeper level for many years. He is twenty-five. Fathers do not necessarily make the best mentors for their sons. The father-son dynamic can be complex and throw up barriers that other older male younger male relationships would not have. My experience with Varun is that a healthy relationship between father and son needs to extend beyond a parental and paternal dynamic. We have a loving friendship I believe that our father-son habits can interfere with at times. It’s a delicate balance. The truth is Varun is a soul of many layers as we all are. His biological connection with me and therefore with my family is only one layer. I have respected that as I have in understanding myself too. Friendship for souls who are consciously evolving requires honesty, compassion, real interest and empathy. I agree with Frederick when he points out that peers cannot mentor their peers.


It’s not that I have a writing block today although it could be thought of that way. It is a type of block but writing is the outermost expression only. So what block is this? I know it well enough. It has visited me often. Do you know how it is when you want to say something meaningful, authentic, profound, sublime, insightful, inspired, earthshattering, amazing, unbelievable and transformative and all that emerges is a muted whimper? Humor of course can step into the space or absurdity or plain silliness. Or as I’m trying to do now I can tell it as it is, and the so-called block can actually shift just by the telling. This reminds me of a therapist who asked me once how I was feeling. “That’s the problem”, I told him “I can’t feel anything”. He replied, “How does that feel?”

How does it feel to be blocked? How does it feel to have nothing amazing to say? Or to not feel inspired? I ask myself this and it feels okay as long as I can write about it. I love paradoxes. This may be related to my being a male. Boys and men are not supposed to reveal and express their deeper feelings. Feelings therefore become blocked; blocks for blokes!

There is a temptation to resort to thinking and writing about the past, as if it’s a default position I can fall back upon. Then the mind scans for a good story. Of course there are so many good stories. Shall I choose one just for the hell of it, and see what happens? Once upon a time I looked at the adults around me and thought, ‘I don’t want to be like them when I’m an adult’. They seemed so like the living dead. This is the challenge. I’ve partially succeeded.


I feel to inject some humor into these vignettes. I want us to laugh together. Smiling and laughing is such good therapy. It also tends to rebalance the habit of taking everything too seriously including oneself. I don’t mean a forced laughter. I can’t do that, but there is a way of perceiving that naturally evokes a smile or leads to laughter. I’m really not sure how to invoke laughter through my writing. I’m no Spike Milligan, but there is an inner comedian in here somewhere. I love to ham it up at times. It’s liberating. I think the Greeks in the classical period understood the need to balance tragedy and comedy. There are two ways of perceiving. The same scenario can evoke tears or laughter. It’s as if I have two pairs of eyes and ears. Where’s the switch? Then again too much humor can degenerate into puerile idiocy. Once again I come to the realization that God is a Libran! That’s why I married one. I wanted a wife with scales!

Let’s get a little risky. I shall tell a few snippets from my past lives. For the skeptics this may make them laugh so I can’t lose. These are stories that I’ve never written about ever. So why not break the silence! This is not to sensationalize. It’s no big deal if reincarnation is a simple fact. Then past embodiments are just earlier stories in a linear sequence. So where should I jump in? How about a nice juicy one? I was a writer of some renown. Does that really surprise you? My books are still highly regarded. This is an example of a type of re-incarnational string theory. Our incarnations are strung together meaningfully. I have developed a gift for writing probably over many embodiments. We do not develop talents and gifts without much experience. So I’m not going to name drop but I was a writer of both fiction and non fiction, including poetry, all of which I have pursued in this present lifetime. In another life I was an aristocratic French woman. In many lives I’ve been Germanic, which is why I was attracted to Germanic women and married two of them. I’ve been Indian, Persian, Tibetan, Japanese, Irish, French, German, Italian, Russian, Spanish and of course English. This is without the genetic/biological strains of Ukrainian and Polish. These represent just the few that I’ve become conscious of. Some of these lives have been traumatic. Such as a German life where I was shot and left to bleed to death. Or where I fell off a horse and died. Or where I was a commander of a rebel group that massacred an army unit, but felt great remorse afterwards. Or where I witnessed a heroine of mine being beheaded. Other lives were far more benign and some were blissful. Remember in a quantum universe there are no hard limits or boundaries. This blend of lives is our Cosmopolitan and Universalistic evolutional journey. Do you see the evolutional trajectory of this? That we are all destined to become unified wholes, containing threads of all woofs and warps. We are rainbow people who are evolving through the color spectrum. Not all souls choose to incarnate at given epochs or Earth time phases. Many souls choose to influence Earthly evolution discarnately or transcarnately.  Bodhisattvas in the making have scope to help in many modes of existence in this quantum universe. I am risking credibility by sharing this type of esoteric information, but as humanity is passing through a portal of evolutional development this can now be shared. I’ve opened the way now for an expanded spectrum of information previously kept secret except for a few of my most intimate confidents. Welcome to my quantum porthole; and yes we can allow humor here too, for I’ve clowned it up in a few incarnations too.


We are inhabitants of a local universe. How far can we expand into greater wholes? We are inhabitants of our local multiverse. What is greater than a multiverse? Where is Stephen Hawking? Where is Hermes Trismusgistus? Where is God? Where is Monty Python? Where is the sequel to ‘The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy?’ Point me please to the Akashic library. Can it be that a conscious creature as I am cannot know my maker? Where is Richard Dawking? He knows all the answers. He knows that I am just a bunch of molecules accidently or by blind chance making whoopee and foolishly believing that I have free will. I know otherwise. Richard has done the old booboo of throwing babies out with bathwater. That’s a shame. So I must retrieve a few babies. I’m not alone in doing that. I shall drop a few names here of authors who have written ground breaking new science leading edge quantum synthesis synergistic synchronistic mystical mythic conscious intelligent holistic unified evolutional transformational books. It includes me too of course. Here we go: these are authors I strongly recommend you read: they may blow your minds! Dalai Lama, Chogyam Trungpa, Pema Chodron, Ajahn Chah, Bruce Lipton, James O’Dea, Victoria LePage, Rupert Sheldrake, Stephen Buhner, Lewis Mehl-Madrona, Carl Jung, Marion Woodman, Marianne Williamson, Deborah Ford, Andrew Harvey, Jiddu Krishnamurti, Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra, David Icke, Don Miguel Ruiz, Gary Zukav, Rudolf Steiner, Sri Aurobindo, Amit Goswami, Valentin Tomberg, Joseph Campbell, Robert Bly, Dane Rudhyar and Coleman Barks to name just a few. These represent a cross section of thinkers who challenge and shift the boundaries. They are our evolutional pioneers and mentors who will help us cross the river to our future. They would challenge Richard Dawkins too.

And Keith Simons of course as I take a bow. Pick anyone of the above and you are entering the hall of mirrors that can help you transform and heal. They will all bring you closer to realizing that who you think you are is only a limited holographic projection stemming from who you really are. They will all seep into your minds and open new neural pathways that will shape shift you into ever changing more glorious representations of your true self.

There are filmmakers, musicians, visual artists, poets and creative people of all types now undergoing unprecedented rates of growth and transformation. Of course there are a few billion humans also seemingly unaware of any change. They go about their daily lives blissfully or not so blissfully unaware of the shifting tides of evolution. Their myopic short-sightedness is largely engineered and sustained by a world leadership, politically and corporately using military, media and law enforcement to keep the lid on our vulnerable emotional receptivity. They use the manmade power of authoritarianism, the self-created projection of status, the hypnotic use of repetitive messaging, and more to intimidate and control the minds of the general world population. What the controlling powers are good at is twisting everything to look as if those like myself, and others named are crackpots, conspiracy nuts, psychologically, unhinged and unrealistic dreamers. But the tides are shifting and fast!

For many incarnations I was driven by an urgent desire to reach others in ways that would open their inner eyes and hearts. I composed music, sang, acted, wrote, painted, meditated, taught, fought and died for the ‘cause’. I also lost my way many a time in many a way. I would set out on a noble adventure and get distracted and forget about my quest. A long, long time ago I lived in a valley surrounded by vast mountain ranges. My people lived in harmony and we lived simply and peacefully. I was moved by a mysterious inner force to want to explore beyond our valley, beyond the mountains that kept us protected. Others before me had ventured off too but not one had returned and so my people generally believed that great demons or dragons were waiting to devour foolhardy souls like myself. Nothing could deter me and I promised I’d return with good news. In truth I had grave fears of my own but I kept then well hidden. During the dead of night I stole away and after some days I reached the high ridge of mountains and could see far into the distance. There were vast areas of grassland with a strange blue hue on the horizon that I’d never witnessed before; and yet it felt familiar. I decided to walk towards this shimmering blue haze and after many more days and various adventures I stood facing a wide ocean that stretched as far as the eye could see. This was all truly wondrous and I realized how limited my people’s understanding of our Earth home was. I met a new tribe who spoke in a strange language that I learnt. I lived with them for a few years and adopted many of their customs. They were naturally most curious about where I came from. Suddenly I remembered my promise that I would return. I wondered why no one else had returned: indeed where had they gone. I asked the wise elders about this and they shared a strange story. It seems that this people also had their own fears about leaving their known, safe boundaries. They had small fishing boats but never ventured too far from the shore. The few who had because they desired to explore beyond the end of the earth that they could see never returned. And the strange travellers like myself, my own country-folk, now with much more confidence having survived their ordeals, desired likewise to build sturdy boats and set forth, and they too never returned. I was mightily tempted to follow suit myself; after-all what amazing new discoveries awaited the hero on his quest? But I had a type of epiphany. What if no one ever returned to tell the people about the greater world? They would never know. It would always be only the very few. So I decided to return and tell my story. Now, what happened next reminds me of Plato’s mythic cave story. For this is an archetypal story. If you don’t know Plato’s cave story Google it and read up. The leading edge thinkers are like I was and are trying to return to us and tell us what the greater reality is like. But as in Plato’s caves most of us…. read it!


The good news is that eventually there is always a tipping point even if it takes a collapse to bring it about. I am reminded of the other story about the two frogs: one that lives in a well and the other who has visited from the ocean. The frog that knows of the ocean tries explaining about it but the frog that has only known life in the well cannot comprehend or even believe that such a thing, as the ocean exists. We are like well frogs until the well collapses and we are confronted with a new paradigm.

The fluidity of the matrix in all its complexity means that nothing is absolutely fixed. Everything is relative and relational. Every concept is subject to change including anything I write. There are always alternative perspectives or shifting designs. Ideas can be thought of, as fixed but they are abstractions. An example is, I read some of these vignettes to Leanne yesterday and although she expressed a positive general response had a few constructive criticisms. One criticism related to my views about corporations, education and civilization. She suggested that my views were too black and white; too dualistic or polarized. I’m of course putting my own spin on this again. There’s no way to portray anything perfectly. When I argued the point that I essentially agreed with her critique but that I’d partly addressed this in a later vignette, Leanne felt unheard. Her response was not just a criticism. Maybe it wasn’t a criticism at all: more a response. This gets sticky and tricky. On reflection I can appreciate one of the points she was trying to convey: namely that not all corporations, politicians, etc, are a part of the evil empire, and that the way I express sometimes overly polarizes situations, institutions and people. I do agree. I generalize in order to make a point but I have my own emotional bias and agendas too. So here we have one small example of how a shift in perspective can change the story. What I love about Hocokah circles is that everyone can share whatever without judgement from others. It’s not about right and wrong, good and bad, it’s about telling the story ones own way without retribution. I love that!

It’s so obvious. We all have unique perspectives. The films, books, music, food, clothes, places, wives and vices I have are bound to be different to yours, no matter how many overlaps there are. Science seeks ‘constants’ and ‘absolutes’ but as said such fixed truths are at best abstractions, or are they? Is that another fixed point of view? Yes it is. This brings us to an uncomfortable truth. We seek security, predictability and certainty, but the rule of finite existence is change, unpredictability and uncertainty. And yet it is likewise obvious that we exist in an intelligent universe. Changes are not meaninglessly random. I know this, but such knowledge does not equate to predictable certitudes. We are evolving a quantum paradigm. God is not a mathematician; he is a field of consciousness; she is a loving mind; it is creativity of the first order.


Humans are created in the image of God. I am not a religious person and yet this is a meaningful metaphor for me. We are not separate. God is the living source of us. We are God playing at being whatever we think we are. The reverse of the God word is dog and this is symbolic of the equal God being that a dog is but cannot be conscious of. We can be conscious of our Godness, or Buddhahood, or Quantumness, or whatever we choose to name It. This is the supra human evolutional potential. This knowledge is our future self; and perhaps our future self already knows this and is leading us towards our own destined awakening. If light can be bent so can space and time, so all is possible. In Rupert Sheldrake’s cosmology ‘morphic resonance’ could be future pulling us as much as past pushing us. The astonishing fact of our multi-dimensional existence includes that on this earthly, physical dimension there is a semblance of orderliness. There is an inter-dimensional matrix that holds together and includes Warburton’s main street, cafes, coffees, my body and an awesome possibility of me taking this laptop computer along the street, into a café, ordering something to eat and drink, and not flying off into space never to return. Oh what a kind universe I exist in. I can choose to play the game of life in so many ways, only limited by my imagination. The joke is that I could think that I’m a prisoner, a victim, a poor sod who has no purpose and lives only to die and enter a meaningless void. The Sacred mission for those of us who are waking to our God selves is to tell others the good news. Easier said than done. Would Richard Dawking listen to me? So the skeptic asks, you know God do you? I answer ‘no, I am God and so are you’. As God we are creators in God’s name. We are created in his image. We are lovers resting in her Beloved bosom. We are poets and songsters proclaiming the glory and grace of a living kingdom. This is our universe. Who else has it been created for; at least us too. We are on the verge of an evolutional awakening that will restore sacredness to every part of our lives. It is so, so close. Just let go of the small image of yourself. It’s an illusion!


Reading various books authored by eminent leading edge scientists it occurs to me that the essential core views about life over historical time haven’t changed much. The clothing of these differing views may have changed but when one boils down the ingredients to the base elements they are the same old same old. A question pops up in regards to this: what about the new quantum perspective? Isn’t that new? In a way it is but essentially it is a fluid open perspective that reiterates the best of the ancient perennial philosophy clothed in more secular, scientific language. The very term ‘quantum’ is a good example. In some ways all words are limited because they have their own implied bias or leaning. The word God and the word quantum do not sound similar, but they are when stripped of their more associative externalities. Another term being increasingly used now is ‘the field’. What these terms have in common is that they point to a fluidly intelligent and purposeful matrix; a fractal universe or multiverse that is infinitely sourced and sustained; a living source that is omnipresent, omniscient and omnipotent; an invisible network of grace that is both transcendent and immanent; and an ongoing evolution of consciousness itself that has a seemingly observable underlying directional imperative. The other views that have historically dwelt alongside the above contrast with this in varying degrees, from the extreme religious to the extreme atheistic and materialistic. What is being indicated is that behind the outer images and words there are universal, archetypal experiences. I’ll tell you where the problem is and always has been. An ‘experience’ by its very nature is at a different level to its mental interpretation or ideational description. This is the obvious crucial point to grasp. The words God, Quantum, Field and the plethora of other ways to describe what purports to be beyond the level of words, cannot then adopt an attitude towards words as if they are sacrosanct and beyond question. And yet as we all know, differences in words, expressed as beliefs and ideologies have led to war and every type of human atrocities against their fellow humans. People literally kill and die for words. This is the old paradigm, the narrowly blinkered consciousness that humanity needs now to leave behind. The implications inherent in this evolutional shift are radical and immense. It is no less than a total change in just about everything we know, think and do.


Having dialogues with my good friend Christian is always a delight. This morning was no exception. Sitting outside the Warburton bakery on a sunny Spring day and engaging in our usual probing and deep edged dialogue was again most appreciated. Not that it is always comfortable because we do challenge each other’s perspectives but always respectfully. One of Christian’s contentions is that cynicism is a negative force and this pushed a button in me as I sought to distinguish uncomfortable truths from cynicism. Am I overly cynical? Actually we did acknowledge the need to more accurately define what cynicism is. I used the British writer and public speaker, David Icke, as an example. It would seem as if David is cynical, but is this a true depiction? He is most known for his elaborate ‘conspiracy theories’, but what if his motive is to awaken us to the fact that humanities collective mind is being engineered by powerful vested interests in collusion with each other. Does that make him a cynic? If his theory is true then where does cynicism enter in? Christian would say something like nothing is so black and white. I agree. David Icke does tend to paint a rather polarized picture, but again what if this picture contains a simple message: that those who have the power to influence civilizations infrastructure and the matrix we exist within are actually very few, and that the uncomfortable truth includes that only a mass groundswell of conscious awakening can instigate a new humanity or even ensure human survival.

I’ll try and paint a word picture. Imagine being in a meditative state where only light and freedom exist; like a calm lake with no ripples. You have a sublime sense of peace and there is no anxiety. The mind itself is still and as open as the sky. There are no thoughts to disturb or distract. Then one re-emerges into the external world. Suddenly something changes. Thoughts enter in. Dialogues bring the mind back from simplicity to complexity: unity to multiplicity and potentially, peace to friction and anxiety. Or can we learn how to bring the treasure back to the Island of daily living?

Another point Christian made just as we were parting company was about despair. Here we are living in one of the most beautiful parts of the world and yet there is so much despair, even here. Why? Well, I’d use other words besides despair; discontent, anxiety, loneliness, hopelessness, helplessness, a sense of something missing, of lack, frustration; I could go on. My impression is that underlying many of these maladies is a sense of purposelessness. We are going through the motions. We eat, sleep, work, seek pleasure but without a deeper sense of meaning. What does it mean to be alive: to be human? Atheists and materialists might argue there is no greater purpose; that survival is it. They might say we project meaning where in reality there is none. Indeed we can do that, but I know that there is a purpose that is divine. Without feeling and perceiving this greater purpose how can life feel alive?


We are not machines. The universe is not a big mechanical device. Consciousness is not an epiphenomenon of brains. It’s the other way around. Or it is tandem interplay but Consciousness precedes everything ultimately. The universe is like a big mind and our minds are a part of a mental field that collectively we refer to as consciousness. Hence, our purpose is because we are intimately a part of a big mind. What purpose does this big mind have? Ask yourself!

I like Christian’s emphasis on positive perspectives and emotions. He is correct in pointing out that we have the potential to realise our inherent freedom. We are free to choose how we think and what we think about. Not knowing this we believe we are victims of our genes. We are defeated before we begin. Imagine playing chess with a belief that our genes will determine how we play. How convenient: if I lose I can blame my genes. Okay, even Richard Dawkins might say that we have limited freedom, but I’d go much further. I’d say that we limit ourselves by believing Richard Dawkins. Our minds can transcend the genetic level of influence. This is the great secret that seers have known down through the ages. The great Mind has thought its way into physical existence. Does anything that exists come into existence without first being thought? Deep, deep down we know!

This is the truth. Our minds are free but if we don’t realise this we create enslaved thoughts and become slaves to our own thinking and all the consequences that follow. The freedom of thought that is your essential nature underlies all else. We can ask ‘what about love?’ Freedom of thought is love.

The question must be asked, whose thought? If we say God’s thought or God’s love, what exactly do we mean by God? We are God. Consciousness is God. We dwell in one unified field. One magnificent living universe!


It’s funny how we talk about words creating confusion and even in explaining this we create confusion. If only we would realise and accept that words are secondary and insubstantial. Sticks and stones can break your bones but words will never hurt you! Oh yes they can, but there is a point in this saying, that my mother would recite to me through my childhood. The point is that words are just words. We use them to buy stuff and communicate to each other, but when we use words as means of telling others how much we know we run into trouble sooner or later. When words form ideas and we become attached to our ideas then words become rather more important than they deserve to be. The real test is if you disagree with what I’m writing now. How dare you! (I’m smiling!)

With all the great books available and information on the Internet most people still seem hopelessly unaware. It can seem that the renaissance of evolutional leading edge thinking is still confined to a devoted, dedicated, intelligent minority. Are the majority of the world’s people too far down the road of brainwashed, conditioned, engineered, insane thoughts and actions? Will it need a catastrophe of gigantic proportions to trigger the next big evolutional shift?   We have had the Big Bang, now we need a Big Change. We need a Big Awakening. We need to see beyond words: beyond the beyond!


I received Andrew Harvey’s new book this morning, ‘Radical Passion’ with a very handsome looking Andrew on the front cover. I’m looking forward to reading it. Other current news: Leanne and I watched a wonderful film at our local Mecca Cinema last night. The film, My Sister’s Sister was acted, edited and filmed to the highest standard: a truly memorable experience. This has helped to crack open an insight. Good acting is an amazing phenomena: to step so fully into a persona that is not you and yet becomes you and yet is destined to once again not be you. This is a transformational experience that also acts as a metaphor for every human being regardless of what his or her daily roles are. The ‘role’ is the lens through which light can shine through, illuminating and inspiring those who are receptive. Books can also serve this purpose. I’ve just read a part of the introduction to Andrew’s new book. It is pure uncompromising Andrew. His words challenge Christian’s views about cynicism: or at least open the dialogue as to where one draws the line? Andrew tears open every way we hide, cover up, pretend and disguise our inner crisis and Apoplectic situation. There is an important, no a vital, underlying occurrence here: that of freedom of expression. Humanity needs freedom of thought, expression and creative endeavors now more than ever before. We need to be radical actors on the world stage.  We who live in societies where such freedom is allowed or tolerated must stir out of our apathy and ‘do something’ or ‘create something’ or ‘say something’. We need the tension that ensues from a free but respected outpouring of deep expression. Inspired waves of creative expression come and go and we need to make more use of them when they present themselves!

Network is a powerful keyword these days. The Spread of information and views is vital. It increasingly seems to me that humanity is polarised into two types of consciousness: the normal range of polarities does not accurately demarcate between these two: but both use networking, consciously or unconsciously, to spread their core ‘views’. It is challenging to attempt to describe the difference between these two types of consciousness: made more difficult by the fact that many individuals function in both modes, alternatingly or simultaneously. All sharing of information and views involves some degree of networking, but conscious and intentional networking is of a far more influential order. Even being aware of networks and networking opens one to a crucial insight: we are parts of a greater whole: the whole of community, society, civilisation and beyond. This insight allows one to peek into a greater reality whereby we become like cells working together for the health of the body. Our artificial boundaries melt away!


Walking ghosts stroll past as if in a somnambulistic trance. Not all passers by are in trance of course. We are truly all in this together. We are one body: one body politic, one body seeking unity within diversity, one body containing trillions of complimentary cells. Walking ghosts are relatives and yet to awaken to their amazingness can be akin to walking across hot coals. This is my task and yours.  How can I shift from one type of consciousness to another? What will shift the thinking of a materialist to an understanding of life as sacred and purposive? I am not compelled by my biology and genes to write these words. I have free will. I am free to think whatever I choose and it is my potential to choose free from being controlled by my DNA or my genetic constitution. I am not a mechanized robot programmed by genes. I am not a victim. Amidst the ghosts who are identified with roles and fixed thoughts there are networks of awakening minds: a collective awakening. This is spreading as an evolutional shift towards a final crisis and beyond to a new leading and guiding phase of our collective journey.

Humanity at some depth of soul has had enough of the few thousand-year-old small mindedness of a localized tribalism and the few hundred-year-old belief in a Godless, mechanical universe. Humanity is like an adolescent ready to transition into adulthood. At the grass roots level humanity has outgrown the institutions that we are lumbered with: institutions that for the most part are relics of past thoughts that inhibit evolutional processes of change.

This is basically a systems problem. Systems by their very nature are complex: they operate on different levels with their related components. It is this complexity that allows for discordance to occur within a system and between systems. In the human system we can speak of the mind not in accord with the body; or speech to be in discordance with the feelings, and so on. The same discordance, dysfunction, incompatibility, unsustainability, friction and antipathy are common features of most societal systems. These fractured elements then get passed onto and into human society as law, popular culture, and educational policy. Our leading institutions including the media follow the line of least resistance that as a part of the status quo supports the status quo, more than less. The collapse of this global and societal dinosaur will allow new life to flood into our dying biosphere. Children will play safely in the fields again. Communities will celebrate in sober love feasts. Walking ghosts will feel alive and celebrate simply being alive. They will drop their ghost selves and become truly human.


The biological fact is that older generations are dying out. This isn’t meant to sound heartless: it’s just a fact of biological existence. I’m mentioning this is within a particular context. We are partly conditioned by generational influences. I mean by this that every generation exists within a changing matrix of social and environmental factors. These historical phases do powerfully condition the generations and this reflects as collective trends in consciousness itself. For a rather surface example just consider the difference between the so-called baby boomers (including myself) with the youngsters of today. It’s a vastly changed world. The very existence of computers and the Internet and cell phones alone have introduced influences into the collective consciousness of the young that is radically different from how growing up was for me. The absence of corporal punishment in schools is radically different from receiving six of the best with a cane over the fleshy part of the hand, and yet it is only relatively a few years ago that teachers were allowed to administer such punishments. Generational change is speeding up just as Alvin Toffler suggested it would in his 1960’s best seller, Future Shock. We are in an evolutional whirlpool that is spinning ever faster. The second coming of Christ is well underway but it was never intended to be Jesus returning on a cloud. We are all a part of the second coming potentially. Don’t you love it?


‘I’m not the Messiah, I’m just a naughty boy’. These famous words from ‘The Life of Brian’ are wittily evocative. Humanity and all who sail in her wobble between a polarity of authentic spirituality and ego identity. It is an advance to realise and say ‘I’m the Messiah and a naughty boy’. Of course there is naughty and there is naughty. Naughty as in playful, radically honest, Devil’s advocate, a transformative revolutionary, a sacred activist who shakes up stuck systems and so on, is one type of naughty. Naughty as in downright silly, idiotic, depressively negative, self-depreciative, suicidal, homicidal and so on is an altogether different type of naughty.


There will be a way back for lost humanity. We will be helped back by those who are undertaking their hero’s journey. This is an arduous trek through regions that are treacherous and with many obstacles. It requires no less than to step into your own glory and heal the false division between God and Self. It requires a step into the true teachings that Jesus and Buddha and Lao Tzu and a host of others including those who walk their talk but are unrecognized in the history books. These heroes all understood a reality that shone through minds and bodies. We need this Gnosis now en masse. We desperately need to follow their footprints.

When one follows the subtle promptings of one’s bliss the universe meets soul and miracles happen. Despite the all too human flaws we are guided into larger circles of synchronicity.  This little island called ‘me’ becomes an interconnected galaxy of radiance. Rivers flow into each other as if by magic. Love reveals its many faces and smiles. What appears mundane and mechanical suddenly fills with living light and hope enters through portals of trust. Grace seeps in. As in Leonard Cohen’s song Anthem it is through the cracks that light enters. Light becomes noticeable when flaws are exposed. Not loving the pauses between words is a flaw. A pause is a gap through which words squeeze onto pages or computer screens. A pause between breaths is the space from which Divinity smiles. Pauses are silent lovers who give birth to our best songs and poems. Pauses invite a letting go of addictions to doing and becoming. A pause is a window through which love can enter!


Loving friendships are golden threads running like veins through body and mind. My good friend Christian has just said goodbye. He is on another of his missions of mercy to places where he is needed; where he brings the water of life to the thirsty and downtrodden. Lindy is a friend as is Mary Jane: for they are sacred activists who it has been and is my honor to work alongside. Of course to have one’s wife as the closest friend is to be especially blessed. There have been many close friends spanning the years, too many to mention by name, but all are golden threads in my life tapestry. Some pass by quickly but are dear friends nonetheless. Some come as mentors and guides: some as wives and family: and some are invisible to my physical eyes. All are beloved!


The word ‘beloved’ was the 33,333 word in the first draft of this work. To see the beloved in everyone and everything is a noble goal. This includes seeing the beloved in the fires of hell. The hell I refer to is not the Biblical fundamentalist’s version of the afterlife’s hellfire, but rather the hell we create here on earth; here within our own minds and in our relationships. This is a great challenge. The beloved can be so hidden and covered over that what is observable is ugly and misshapen. Lest I fall into the trap of projecting my disgust and negative judgement onto others I should have a good close look at my own inner universe. This is a type of mindfulness meditation with a focus on uncovering everything that does not serve oneself or the world. It is better to know the Devil rather than be controlled from behind the screen. If I want to truly bathe in the glory and divine beauty of the beloved I must first transform the Beast into a worthy lover of Beauty. I must become beautiful myself, radiant with the joy, love and light of the beloved. This is the Holy quest. Every path no matter how deviated from this Grail hides a secret longing and potential. We are lost souls until we find the beloved!


Andrew Harvey describes the two great soul flames as transcendent and immanent. I love this. The words contrast with my pair of transcendent and the transformational but are an equally significant pairing. I would like to delve a little deeply into both of these pairs, starting with Andrews. There is no point to repeat what he has written (in Radical Passion, first chapter) so these will be my perspectives. The word immanent implies ‘within now’. It is experientially present and hence includes everything that I experience within the sensory realm: thought, emotion and physical experience. It denies nothing. In contrast to this the word transcendent implies that which ‘transcends’ this contained realm. It is what gives rise to descriptive terms like mystical, spiritual, mythical, metaphysical and so on. Experientially the transcendent is ‘beyond’ the realm of immanence. I shall give an example of a transcendent experience. If I meditate and become aware of my body and thoughts but experience beyond them I am transcending body and mind. This is the real meaning of transcendental meditation. When awareness returns to my body and thoughts immanence returns. It is often a matter of what has precedence; what is the central focus and what peripheral.

What Andrew is saying is that in order to be complete we need to fuse both and that in doing so a third experience emerges, a third fire, greater than the sum of the parts. This points to a harmony between spirit, mind and body; being and doing; transcendence and immanence. It orients us to a living practice of flowing out of transcendence into the world. It is a core part of what it means to live as a sacred activist. In my older way of talking about this polarity I’d say something like ‘transcendence is a temporary experience of shifting beyond the world, but that doesn’t mean transformation has occurred. Transformation is the work of changing the matrix, the grid of dysfunctional and wounded thoughts, emotions and physical symptoms.’ The dual practice of conscious transcendence and transformation can fuse these two into a single fire. It’s really saying the same as Andrew because transformation must include one’s total humanity. Andrew talks of this immanent transformation as the essence of the Holy Mother or divine feminine. Especially significant in this is the experience and attitude about the body and by extension, nature. Andrew is a human sounding board with an illuminating flashing sign atop his head ‘wake up now!’


Yesterday a mother and daughter came for readings on an auspicious day, the twenty eighth of October, 28/10/01, numerologically: (Leanne and my special day). I’d been at a Rudolf Steiner School Spring fair in glorious sunshine. I was manning a Warburton Environment stall, promoting a new 2013 Cement Creek calendar. I also had a table of books that I thought appropriate, but only three books sold in five hours. A little before 2pm Leanne rang my mobile and told me about a mother and daughter who wanted readings, so I packed up my books and was ready to leave. The only problem was that the guy sharing stall duties had to leave too and Karina whose set-up it was, had wandered off too. Just then I noticed a woman who’d helped earlier and asked her if she would cover until Karina returned. She accepted and my van was conveniently parked close by and I was able to drive the seven odd kilometers to Warburton in good time to prepare for mother and daughter. Mother had Leanne’s birthday of 12th October and daughter had Varun’s birthday of 7th November. Multiple events, insights and experiences synchronize and interweave. As the whirling rainbow therefore quickens it is important to cultivate the still centre. Like an eye of a cyclone, the centre is unmoving. The journey of this time is vertical and horizontal, linear and lateral, earthly and cosmic, and includes a fifth dimension which is the innermost still God place/space within and yet without. It is the point where all life springs from and returns.

On reflection mother and daughter were two spiritual novices who needed mentoring. Lisa, the daughter with Varun’s birthday, represented a mythic archetype for me that was potently familiar and yet a strange frequency that doesn’t easily resonate with mine; but as with Varun has much potential. Her counter transference with her mother was quite intriguing too. Both were at a very novice stage and were seeking guidance. I wanted to help them but maybe there are many out there who are like this; and I need to structure courses that will be journeys. Leanne’s idea of the hero’s journey is too advanced for many. I need to construct a course for true beginners: maybe an introduction to the mystical life. I have such an eclectic background now that I can and want to share a broad based approach that begins with a synthesis of common elements that run across all major faiths, philosophies, psychologies and leading edge sciences. Other courses I could consider could be more advanced and focus more on specific approaches such as Tarot, Hero’s Journey, Hocokah and Meditation. I’ll contemplate this. It is time for me to step up. I feel that. It’s now or never for this incarnation. It’s time to dive in!


A guy came in and asked, “Do you have books by Andrew Harvey?” I showed him the book I am reading at this time, ‘Radical Passion’. I sold him the only other copy I had. He told me he had hosted Andrew after he left Warburton earlier this year. We realized something. He is as I’ve been realizing a flawed genius. This leads to projections: such as brilliant in depth analysis of the human condition but also a cover-up of our own tendencies. I know this well enough in myself. This is not a damming criticism, for I fully accept the flawed genius as artist, writer and spiritual anarchist, but it is a warning to not place someone, anyone, on a pedestal that does not permit human weaknesses, especially oneself.

No incarnate soul can totally live up to an image of perfection that truly only belongs to a transcarnate perfection. In the imaginal world of thought (separated from body) perfection can be: no flaws, no aging, death or wrinkles. My Guru for sixteen years, Swami Krishna, had obvious human flaws, alongside his genius. Maybe our evolutional journey is gradually leading us to a perfect fusion of the spiritual and the human: but how would that look? It seems to me that such a complete transformation cannot occur on this planet without a galactic transformation. In a quantum universe that is possible. We would have to let go of our identification with the physical and sensory dimension; at least such experience would have to be fluid, as it is with quantum particles that can instantly become waves and vice versa. When we sleep and dream we do transcend our physicality to various degrees, but this would have to become more our waking conscious capacity for us to evolve into quantum beings. My physicality would need to blink on and off at will and my conscious identification would need to not favor the physical. Then I would be free to mould and remould my physicality according to my imaginations. Then I would not become imprisoned by an overly materially dense reality. In other words, our present state of evolutional reality is extremely energy dense. If we sweep a glance over the evolutional history of life on this planet we can observe that this physical stasis is inherent in all life forms. Then we can observe that consciousness has developed to a point when humans can become aware of their own identification with matter. Andrew Harvey says that we should love all our multi-dimensionality. I agree but not so that we should believe that this represents some kind of final stage of evolutional transformation: for if one does merge holistically, then what? Glorifying in a trans-dimensional orgy of love and joy that totally embodies light into and through itself is certainly a quantum leap from a divided soul but does not equate to a final state; and let’s face it, one still ages, gets sick and dies and continues this endless round of deaths and rebirths, until…?


Yesterday and last night were watershed hours. ‘Life’ conspired to allow Leanne and I to spend a day together in a way we haven’t for a very long time; and this flowed into Buddha’s full moon. There are too many threads and fractals to coherently tell a clear story at this time, but this doesn’t matter as long as one holds to the still centre. Networks of Grace take on a greater sense of significance: there are fresh insights into the quantum fields that are becoming increasingly accessible. There are strange new glimpses into our evolutional future. I don’t believe all humans will evolve into a quantum reality. Some type of sifting is happening whereby all the efforts of numerous incarnations are coming to roost in fractal divisions according to essential states of consciousness. This transition (from third through fourth to fifth) can be characterized as un-integrated (third) to embodied: spiritual, mental, emotional and physical integrated (fourth) to quantum: fluidly trans-dimensional (fifth). This points to a multidimensional evolutional shift that regardless of specific external changes sifts (and shifts) humans firmly into predominant third, fourth and fifth communities. Let’s examine a few implications that flow from this conjecture. A major implication is that those who predominantly belong to a type of consciousness become more separated from other types. This is an evolutional imperative. The dominant third dimensional type belongs to our evolutional history and is the most resistant to change. Most of present humanity have a fair degree of this type of consciousness but as we collectively shift this weakens. Some more obvious manifestations of third dimensional consciousness are unresolved tensions between polarities such as spirit/matter, body/mind, collective/individual, personal/impersonal: and polar extreme views such as all types of fundamentalism are examples of. Fourth dimensional consciousness is exemplified by degrees of harmony, inclusiveness, integration, holism, inter-dimensionality and especially a spiritually embodied unity. The spiritual and human dimensions are increasingly fused, but there is yet a profound identification with individuality. In contrast to this fifth dimensional consciousness is truly multi-dimensional. Consciousness is letting go of its addictive identification and desire for material and physical reality. This type of consciousness is an evolutional quantum leap that truly has a fluidity of creative potential beyond most incarnated people at this time. One could say we are evolutional hybrids. The third/fourth and fourth/fifth hybrids are transitioning and evolving. There could indeed be a sifting between five predominant types: third, third/fourth hybrid, fourth, fourth/fifth hybrid and fifth. It’s a bit like grades in a school. Incarnational life in our universe on our planet can be perceived as a life school. What does need to be clarified here is that each type of consciousness has radical differences to all the others and in a hybrid type this inevitably creates friction, confusion and dysfunctionality. The other crucial point is that these differing types of consciousness do not infer that one type is superior to others: they are simply at different stages of conscious evolution. In this way a human being of any type of consciousness is not superior to an animal or plant. Everything is intimately interconnected. Everything is a vehicle for evolving consciousness.


I love Andrew Harvey’s book ‘Radical Passion’. It is like a well thought out musical compilation: ‘the best of’. It is opening interesting and unexpected windows of insight and inspired glimpses within consciousness. It is as if I need to open windows that have been shut until now. What flies in and out of these windows appear strange to say the least: and yet urge to be expressed. A new language is being born and I together with thousands all across the planet are struggling to use words in new ways: ways that will convey what until now has been almost inexpressible. Sometimes the best way to even begin to attempt this new language is to allow mad sounding word-pictures to emerge. Andrew personifies this capacity for surrendered almost trance like communication. I too can have some fun letting this happen in a playful way: a bit like imaginative word association.


I am me and not me; I am everything and me too: the actor and all roles, and by extension every expression of the cosmic plethora. I am creator and dwell within the matrix of my creation, and by extension the creator of the entire cosmic matrix. ‘I’ is a synonym of you and we. When you look into my eyes a God see a God. When we converse together God is talking to itself. God is beyond gender as is the Tao or Holy Ghost. Our true identities are as consciousness prior to any creation. All creation limits the Creator in as much as a role limits an actor. The limits of a role are at the expense of any other role or all other roles or no role at all. We are free and only appear limited because of our identification with creation rather than creator. When we transcend creation, Creator can freely play with conscious choices. This fluid Creator or God or Christ or Quantum consciousness is the single most powerful creative force in existence. We habitually lose ourselves in the creative game: and forget who we are. Quantum reality shatters any fixed sense of who we are and of anything else, and yet, there is an exquisite, delicious intelligence at play otherwise my nose would have been placed on my naval or my eyes on my knees! Third dimensional consciousness is terrified of fifth inter-dimensional consciousness despite being sustained by it. We are all God in drag (borrowed from Andrew). The third dimensional illusion that our industrial-technological world is based upon is a social consensus that is literally insane in its obsessional identity with it. Most ordinary people across the planet (the grass roots) are vastly less insane than their corporate and political leaders. The so called democratic free world is being increasingly controlled by a fascist regime of insane, greedy, dishonest, manipulative, hateful, envious, cowardly, violent, destructive, petty, insane, insane, mad megalomaniacs. These wounded, evil (Ahrimanic) anti-life, anti-evolution, inhuman, deeply ignorant (worst example of third dimension consciousness) inbred, suicidal, dangerous, separated entities have agenda’s that can be diametrically opposed to love and our evolutional potential. Welcome to Armageddon! Despite this terrifying stream of dark consciousness, the light bearers are empowering and collectively networking themselves towards and into the evolved dimension of inter-beingness.  Love rules and love is an evolutional power par excellence!


My writing gets crazier as I let go of fear. Thank God! This is my coming out of the safe yet mad closet where most of us have played with toys planes while the real jets are waiting outside to fly us to the moon and onto the sun. It’s time to wake up. That’s why I love what Andrew, Lewis and a growing number of sacred warriors are doing. At the same time power hungry minds hunger for petty power-roles that give them a pseudo taste of what real power is. They can be likened to cartoon characters that believe they are real. Thank God for crazy sanity!

Being mad but knowing it, is a good place to begin. There is great freedom in knowing you are mad. From here you can cultivate compassion towards all those millions who are mad but don’t know it. And if you connect to other awakening mad ones you may together cultivate courage; and believe me, it requires courage to be consciously mad among those who think they are sane. Do you realise how insane it is to think you are sane when actually you are quite mad? Mad is a loaded term. It only expresses a part of the problem. Another part could be better termed as stupid or asleep or dull. If you know you are dull that can be a step towards becoming alive. If you know how very stupid you are that can be a potent breakthrough into gnosis (knowledge). This type of language is quite provocative I’d imagine and it is not expressed with hatred: but rather with a type of cosmic (mad) humor. We have played nicey, nicey games for too long. That’s where I love Andrew’s fury. Being oh so polite and sensitive to the feelings of those who are mad, asleep, stupid and dull has had its day: we are destroying ourselves and our planet. It’s time we en masse got real and collectively proclaimed “I’m as mad as hell and won’t take it any more” (have you seen the film with Peter Finch, Newsweek?) So I proclaim: “I am as mad as a mad-hatter but I’m waking up: I’m getting saner”!


Of course balance in all things is a vital part of evolution. Balance changes its look depending on the scope of things that require balancing. I veer this way and that: too hard, too soft; too rational, too a-rational, and so on. There is a Eurythmy exercise that balances a forward and backward movement with the words ‘yes’ and ‘no’. This empathy and antipathy polarity is primary. A quantum polarity would be between particle and wave. Being and non-being is also a primary polarity. In the multi-universe of form these primary polarities represent the essential foundation on which all extended multiplicities are based. This is the Yang/Yin, Masculine/Feminine, Spirit/Matter core pairs of polarities.


 The fact is that I cannot remain in a mystical trans-dimensional state: I find myself passing into and through a wormhole into a smaller fractal and this is met with a type of existential grief. It’s like drowning in mud. The light dims. What to do? Are we not like spoilt children? I want bliss all the time. Well, sorry, but that’s just not possible. Aw! Here where’s patience comes in. I read recently that three great virtues are ‘courage, willfulness and patience’. Together they are mighty. It would seem that one of those three virtues comes to the fore as the appropriate one for a particular occasion. When I’m like a lotus stuck in mud and cannot see the light, patience tells me ‘wait, it will change, you can’t have only light’.


There are times when it’s as if a tremendous force takes over ones entire being. This happened last night. It culminated a lovely graceful day with my beloved. A force of love and desire swept into me, and swept us into a mutual fusion of ecstasy and transformed consciousness. This imprinted into my dreams. There were four dream characters and they too had to fuse into one. Two males and two females: one of each gender, totally free to experience union and the other two who had to be transformed into a blissful compliance.


Reading Andrew’s dialogues, forwards, introductions and interviews in ‘Radical Passion’ it occurs to me that my best friend and worst enemy are within my own in-tension-ed and ‘intensioned’ mind. Intension and in-tension combine and struggle towards outcomes that are only dimly intuited. The inner tension (in-tension) between an authentic voice and a cynical doubter, between an honest narrator and a insistent critic and between a positive ‘yes’ and a crippling, undermining ‘no’, has followed my life through adult years like a shadow that sneers at every creative and inspired action, poem and prose that has made its way out into the light of day. The intention of a confident goal is thereby rendered disempowered and in this manner my poems (for instance) yet await a decent airing. Certainly a part of this miserly, dark self-defeater is laziness. I wish to be creative without the hard work necessary to bring my creativity to fruitful outcomes. I have been a closet writer. A little boy-voice in my head shrinking my creative confidence into self-doubt; a voice that so often translated as, ‘I am not up to it’. This frustrates and irritates me: more so, infuriates me. My futile fantasy is that someone else will recognize my innate genius and do the finishing work for me. Indeed, one cannot do everything and we all need help to bring creativity to public fruition. But, and this is where I need to kick my own butt, if no one comes rushing to my side with an enthusiastic commitment to bring my dream into manifestation then the chances are that my creative endeavor will end up in a cardboard box and forgotten about. This is a challenge. Having confessed as much I am throwing this monkey off my back, at long last.


Do we need to evolve into techno-sapiens or are we on the brink of becoming Homo-techno-Spiritus? Are we evolving into Galactic citizens? I get glimpses into a truth that is terrifying and exhilarating; that earth life offers us a testing ground between hell and heaven; but not somewhere else; hell and heaven are right here, right now on this planet; and humanity, each one of us, is a participant in this greatest show on Earth.  I also glimpse into aspects of the matrix that clarifies the way the complexity evolves. For instance, human beings are evolving at different rates and are at differing stages. This creates a web of overlapping types of consciousness with all the differing actions that follow. The interaction between these differing frequencies (internally as well as externally) creates much friction, confusion and chaos, but also magnificent creative resonances.  A metaphor could be that of a school where all the grades are mixed at certain times, such as recess. They all co-exist and have much in common and yet there are also differing peer related types of consciousness. Schools are microcosms of the world in many ways; so are organizations or groups of all types. This metaphor can reveal some interesting insights. When a student moves from one grade to another the lessons learnt in the lower grade are incorporated into the changed environment of the higher grade. The changes may appear incremental but there are also greater leaps as in Primary to Secondary or Secondary to University or Work. The point here is that an essential residue is carried over from one level of consciousness to another. This process is ongoing unless one literally stagnates. Stagnation becomes a living hell if not broken down or broken through. We are here to evolve!


No matter how much we understand the matrix, the web of life, if we do not know the ‘Watcher’ we will not know peace. The watcher is ground zero whilst the matrix is the math. The watcher is in the drama but not of it. The watcher is who you really are; all of us; every sentient being; evolving to a point when consciousness can recognize itself as it truly is. Humans have this as their God-given potential. Humanity is about to take a quantum leap into this awakening; and those who don’t or cannot will wait for another opportunity. This is not the first time such a parting of the waters has occurred. Who is ready to leave school behind and enter university will do so. This is not a game of chance or favoritism. It is simply the process of learning and evolving. A mass awakening is not impossible. Consciousness has evolved and in many ways is being held back by an elite whose aim is to keep us enslaved, but the waters of consciousness cannot remain dammed up much longer. If there is no mass awakening then nature will force the issue. When populated cities in the economically developed world sink, burn or topple under water, fire or wind and the global economy collapses, the survivors may awaken and begin to think sane thoughts and do sane actions. Can we avert a catastrophe? The watcher watches!


Another important word is ‘incremental’. Little bits adding up; lots of baby steps that can appear inconsequential, but they accumulate and eventually, whammo! So I realise that befriending the word and meaning of incremental helps with the patience required on this evolutional journey. It helps to overcome the illusion that tiny steps have no influence. It might be fun and instructive to make an inventory of words that have deep personal significance, together with a short commentary.

A perspective that dawns (it might be a pleasant fantasy, but maybe not) that Warburton is special because most people who are drawn here, despite wounds and weaknesses, have an above average resonance with nature and evolved consciousness. The social demographic has been radically shifting since I first settled in the area in 1988. The older generations are dying out and being replaced by more open-minded and spiritually mature new arrivals. There are many towns and villages around the world that are undergoing such shifts and are as lights shining in the darkness. There are also suburbs in the world’s major cities that are likewise magnets for creative, more conscious, evolved souls. These power communities form an invisible network that are light years ahead of most of the World’s leaders in almost everything that matters most. An increasingly stupid minority is controlling an increasingly intelligent majority. There is a funneled intelligence that most world leaders have but they mostly inhabit a collective domain where expediency and ‘economic rationalism’ channel intelligence into very narrow grooves.


For those souls who are taking themselves to task, who are walking the talk, who are becoming vulnerable, courageous, empowered, humble, awakened and transformed it can become increasingly difficult to be in intimate relations with those who are withholding, escaping, diverting, detaching, suppressing and projecting. Of course we all back track at times, fall into old escapist patterns and chill out with trivial pursuits. But if we have made an inner commitment to evolution both personal and collective, then a priority will be to seriously live on an intense edge of creative unfoldment and healing. If our commitment is very strong a sense of mission will be of paramount importance. Relationships then take on a different value to the norm. We no longer partner for comfort alone, nor companionship, sex, mutual escapisms or even convenience. There is a type of evolved relationship that now beckons to many. Often breakups happen not because of superficial disharmony but rather because one’s evolutional pathway and intensity is incompatible with the other. It takes two to Tango and you can lead the horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Sorry for the clichés but I’m sure you get the point I’m making. Leanne and I both said early on that if one left the other behind there would be no waiting; a kind of keep up or else! This is correct when it addresses the most important issues of self-development and evolutional transformation. The planet needs warrior lions now, not scared pussycats. We no longer have the luxury to wait for others to catch up if they are hindering the great work. We no longer need to hold onto narcissistic relationships. We have an obligation now to life itself, to evolution, to spirit and to our own higher destinies.


It is November 2012. Things are quickening and intensifying. Underlying this shift in energy is an unspoken message that issues a warning and an opportunity. We all need to step up. In viewing this within the parameters of my own life, I observe that the old ways of thinking and doing that don’t serve the greater good are now collapsing at an ever-faster rate. This is one way the 2012 shift is happening. What can appear as random and isolated problematic situations or events are in truth symptoms of a greater malaise. Sometimes I see this more clearly in those around me but I know this mirrors my own situation. One perspective of this need to step up relates to the complex array of opportunities that are like multiple half or three quarter baked cookies; part of the complexity is that they are baking in different ovens and at varied temperatures. Many of the opportunities are to complete the cooking. The sheer complexity belongs in part to the many areas of life that haven’t been evolved to their greater potential. This is a shift that is happening in every part of the cosmic matrix. It is the chaos of transition. Here in the hamlet of Warburton, and even in Australia as a whole, it can seem like business as usual; but this masks a societal structure that is inherently unstable and on the brink of collapse. Like the Phoenix the seeds of a new culture co-exist in the humus of the old. The spread of synchronicities envelop the mundane, disconnected illusion of random chaos; and penetrate in an overlapping hybrid of collapsing chaos and emerging harmonious order. We are all intimately involved in this mega-saga: and witnesses as the transition quickens in pace. This fractal multi-patchwork is bigger than us and yet each one of us is a microcosmic player equally as potentially significant as anyone else. I say potentially because in an evolutional context we are not all equal in how we contribute to the whole. This brings me full circle to the need to step up: to be a constructive and creative part of the quickening!


This really is essentially about all of us. I am mirroring you. You have your shades of color and reflected light but in the depths of our common humanity we are not that different, which sounds paradoxical following some of my previous vignettes. Now I have banged into another one of my favorite words, ‘paradox’. Paradoxes only exist on the plain of polarity. Welcome back to the quantum universe. One of the great revelations of quantum consciousness is that the observer influences the observed; so truth or reality depends on how you view anything. Observing solid objects existing independently in space is a way of seeing; it is not an absolute truth; it is relative and therefore a limited perception. So is this computer not a solid object existing independently in space? Well, yes it is but it is also not what it is, simultaneously. If our sensory apparatus was somewhat other than what it is (how does a blind person or a frog experience this computer) it could be a very different perception. As quantum beings we can loosen our sensory myopia and begin to awaken to the fact that we are like frogs in the well and then explore the larger field; the oceanic quantum field that like this book has no beginning or end; or is both at the same time!


It is a new paradigm; a higher evolved party; a paradox that invites guests to slip through a crack in the cosmic fabric. It is a restaurant at the end of the universe where poets enjoy 24/7 performances and minstrels sing love ballads. It beckons but invitations are not guarantees of entry. We can refuse. There is a principle of freedom that is sacrosanct. That is a God quality. The party is a certainty but our attendance isn’t. For many of us though we are close. This will be no ordinary party: more a celebration or a jubilee. Can it occur right here on Planet Earth? It’s hard to imagine but don’t we get glimpses? Have you booked your table? I have!


Leanne offered me a deck of cards with inspirational sayings and the card I picked was ‘Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risks.’ This is a challenging yet potent saying. The word ‘great’ resounds through me like an arrow. There is nothing half hearted or soft minded about the word ‘great’. ‘Great love’ is like saying ‘yes’ totally to the deepest longing of the soul. It feels as if it’s a companion to Joseph Campbell’s counsel to ‘follow your bliss’. Risk everything for love is surely an example of great love. Is this the love of Rumi for Shams? Or a message about knowing what I love to be and do and giving myself fully to that, allowing it to lead me wherever it will and in doing so risking my very life? The words ‘great achievements’ contain another related message. Nothing truly worthwhile happens that doesn’t involve great risks. Great achievements in an evolutional context suggests really stepping up and saying yes to giving life your best effort for the sake of humanity, all sentient beings and the planet itself. Following the message card yesterday I followed up with another today (the day after the day before) and the message was ‘you already possess everything necessary to become great’. This is a Crow proverb. I just have to put what I possess into action to become great. It’s time to step up!


I had an interesting street conversation with Meg and her daughter Emily. Warburton is a grand place to have café and street conversations of merit. Magic happens here. Emily as a representative of the twenty-somethings gives me extra hope.  Her enthusiasm and youthful wisdom impressed me greatly. One thing she said was “if the older generation won’t listen to my generation we will make them listen”. I believe that type of boldness and urgency may turn the tide. World leaders are simply not listening or caring. They are so locked into structures that are moribund and pathetic that only a grass roots non-violent revolution will suffice now. As more and more people experience the toxic effects of a civilization ruled by mad men and women a stirring occurs. We need a mass awakening at the grass roots level and the question that looms over all our heads now is ‘what will it take to trigger a positive mass response?’ Will it take a catastrophe way beyond anything in recent history? There are increasingly pockets of evolving consciousness that silently create a growing network of readiness for radical transformed change from top to bottom of our societies. There are more books, more transformational teachers and facilitators; more networking across the globe and society. The tensions between the extreme polar opposites are increasing by the hour. When someone goes north and the other south the distance increases but perhaps a mid-point is reached when they actually begin to close in on each other, if the girth is circular. This could be imagined as an evolutional metamorphosis. There is much in cosmic and terrestrial nature to suggest that such a cyclic metamorphosis is a universal law. Ancients depicted this as a snake swallowing its own tail and called it Uroborus. The 2012 phenomena could be indicating a passage through the extreme point of distance between polar opposite types of consciousness that precipitate a collapse that then opens a new way of bringing the polar opposites closer together again. This would truly be a reversal of the poles. The youth of today must step up and further our evolutional journey. They are our hope!


We are all God or whatever other word or silence points to the only absolute truth/fact that exists. Everything else is relative at best. Rudolf Steiner said that atheism was a disease and dis-ease. I equally say that atheism is insane as is fundamentalism of all kinds including scientism. A core problem is language itself. The word ‘God’ is only a word. Pointing this out may seem an oxymoron but humans have shown much idiocy in confusing the word with the experience. The experience of God is covered over with language or more accurately ideas. Language to be truly useful in spiritual, psychological and philosophical arenas needs to be understood as secondary, fluidly malleable and symbolic. Buddhists do not have a God word. I am equally comfortable with a God word or without. There is no incompatibility for me. So what do I mean by God when I choose to use that word? It is a nameless God that but everything is an emanation of this God; especially important are what I will describe as God qualities.


There are ‘God qualities or attributes’ that are inherent in the universe and in humans. These ‘qualities’ can be reduced linguistically in ways that we can know experientially. Such words as intelligence, love, compassion, grace, beauty, free will, creativity, growth, honesty, unity and so on can all point towards or attempt to describe a self evident human potential; but more so, all nature and the cosmos itself exhibits such ‘qualities’ if one perceives in a mystical way. Why though do I posit that God is the only absolute truth? It is because God is our conscious being. From a Buddhist perspective ‘emptiness’ is the one reality but this is actually paradoxical because what is meant by emptiness contains and is the ground of fullness. God in this context is synonymous with being and consciousness. The linguistic conundrum is only a problem as long as words are expected to reveal truth rather than experience. What I refer to, as emergent creativity is a God quality. God contains a mystery!


There is no such thing as ‘The Book’ as occidental religions posit. The Book is who we are; we are the ‘living waters’ of truth. Books, even Bibles of any religion are at best guidebooks. The ‘word’ can reveal or be revelatory. Religious fundamentalism believes in the word as being the word of God. This is the lunacy of taking the word literally. And yet to not believe in Spiritual qualities is equally lunacy. Atheism is a dis-ease of the spirit. To reduce the Mystery to words or to dismiss it altogether is absurd. It posits a randomly uncreated universe whereby chemicals and atoms accidently bounce into each other ad-infinitum until cockroaches, elephants, dolphins and humans somehow evolve. It paints a picture of a cosmos that just happened to explode into being (the Big Bang) without any cause. It just did. It views species including humans as accidents of nature. The Atheist universe is mechanical and hence exists for us to exploit. It is an egocentric in the extreme (anthropomorphic) because it places humans as superior and somehow apart from everything else. This Cartesian, Newtonian and Darwinian model of the universe and life on our planet has taken a partial truth and made it into a scientific law of the first order. The partial truth is deducted by observation into the way machines (especially clocks) operate. This principle is then projected onto everything that can be measured. The parts that make up a whole machine or clock operate according to laws of physics that are testable and logical: in their own field. They belong to a physical and material matrix that is measurable, but life is more than nuts and bolts or chemical compounds. Another term for the more educated atheist is scientific materialist. The underpinning belief is that consciousness is secondary epiphenomena of the brain. This reduces consciousness to nothing more than a conditioned biological response of brain chemistry. An atheistic Scientist doesn’t choose to eat banana cake rather than carrot cake: this is a biological reaction, only. Indeed there is no free will, only biological determinants. This is absurd and very, very dangerous. It reduces people to little more than biological robots and the survival of the fittest then belongs to the happenchance of biological good fortune. The observation of non-human species may especially appear without free will and within the limits of their particular nature there is a truth to this. But when we compare different species (say a tree to an insect to a fish or bird to a mammal to a human) we can realise that the spectrum of consciousness varies greatly according to the ‘vehicle’ or species. Humans have the luxury of introspecting and self-reflecting and uniquely becoming self-aware, but self aware of who? Who is it that is aware: aware of self and cosmos? Is awareness an effect of brain chemistry? Interestingly this is an intellectual argument that can never be won or lost. God awareness is not another intellectual exercise even though it involves the the intellect. This is God thinking, typing and in drag! Humans are all in drag! Knowing this is freedom. Knowing this is love, compassion, humility, interdependency, beauty, intelligence and delightfully humorous. Its funny observing atheists and scientific materialists being God but thinking they are automatons!


So let’s get into the head of an atheist. ‘I am a bundle of carbon: a chemical factory that can think. And eureka! I have never been or will be again but hey, I can live twice as long as my grand parents because of medical spare parts. Yippee! I can drink more wine, eat more pizzas and watch more reality TV. So it’s not all bad news. And together we can consume more stuff even if that is devastating nature; don’t worry, science will fix everything. My grandchildren might have spare part brains as well as hearts and live to one hundred and fifty. And think how lucky we are that we can now know that God doesn’t exist; that all those crazy mystics were just high on fantasy; and science has replaced mysticism; halleluiah!’

Is my inner cynic a tad extreme: as extreme as most atheistic skeptics? I just cannot accept that these words are unreal and consciousness doesn’t exist except as brain chemistry and electrical impulses.


Is my inner cynic a tad extreme: as extreme as most atheistic skeptics? I just cannot accept that these words are unreal and consciousness doesn’t exist except as brain chemistry and electrical impulses. My cynical attitude is tempered by the fact that I know that many atheists are good people, but misguided. There is no easy way to shift an atheistic mind-set into a mystical or spiritual one. I too had an atheistic outlook into my early twenties. I knew nothing else. I hadn’t been exposed to mystical ideas. My reading after a totally bland literary childhood was limited to Henry Miller, Bertrand Russell and a few others whose names I can’t remember. This helped to form a skeptical and atheistic and/or agnostic perspective; a bit of both as I didn’t have a strong, fixed orientation. I did work out one ‘live by motto’ namely that if I couldn’t experience or understand it firsthand I wouldn’t accept it on faith alone. It was this very dictum that led me out of atheism and eventually agnosticism and into mysticism and spirituality. As I approached my mid twenties I tried reading the German philosophers (Kant, Schopenhauer, Hegel), and a few psychologists but they generally didn’t inspire me; they didn’t set my mind on fire. It was around my mid-twenties that a number of breakthroughs began to open my mind to vaster vistas. Socrates through the mind and words of Plato was the first: The Republic introduced me to Socratic dialogue. I tried writing a type of dialogue but soon this became stalled and then I discovered ‘Thus Spake Zarathustra’ by Friedrich Nietzsche. This book set my mind and emotions alight. It certainly didn’t dampen my atheism because Nietzsche said clear and loud through his hero Zarathustra, “God is dead, the Superman lives”. As strange as it may seem this statement cracked open my atheistic wall. Who then is this superman? Obviously this superman was no ordinary type of consciousness and indeed the hardback copy of my first symbolic ‘bible’ was an inspired work it seemed of a literary genius. I penned a number of poems and prose pieces in a Nietzschian style. Finally I’d found a writer/hero who was a mentor and guide. Over the following year or two, three more influences entered my eager and hungry mind: Carl Jung, Jiddu Krishnamurti and Alan Watts. How did Nietzsche help to open the floodgates for me? Firstly the idea of the superman is akin to higher consciousness. This is a bridge to accepting a type of secular mysticism. I also understood that Nietzsche’s statement that God is dead especially referred to the Christian God of the European churches. This reminds me of the adage ‘there are two Gods, one that created us and the one we created in our imagination’. In Carl Jung’s memoir ‘Memories, Dreams and Reflections’ I again encountered a mysticism that stood beyond a dry atheism and even more so in Krishnamurti where a sense of the Sacred was sublimely pronounced. And then there was a book by Alan Watts that a friend urged me to read, ‘Cloud Hidden, Whereabouts Unknown’. This was my first introduction to Zen. These inroads were met with fascination and interest. Between my mid twenties and early thirties this interest developed exponentially.

It was combined with my forays into the world of ingesting marijuana, hashish and psychedelic mushrooms. My inner world was transfigured beyond recognition. God was not a word in my lexicon as it wasn’t in my newly found mentors except rarely and then in very specific contexts. But the God word is only one attempt to indicate something (no thing) that is almost inexpressible. The Tao that can be spoken of is not the true Tao! Words are only ever indicators and pointers. Even the word chair is not the real chair: try sitting on the word. What was happening was a shift in my experience, attitude and thinking. I could no longer refer to myself as an atheist. So what was I? I think that during those years I was most comfortable not having any label at all; and this position hasn’t changed too much to this day; except that I now can fluidly take on various labels knowing that they are simply secondary ways of describing or indicating an experience beyond the word. Following my immersion into meditative practices I accepted that I was on a spiritual path. My experiences were profound, transformative and externally life changing. My reading expanded to include a wide spectrum of mainly Eastern spiritual literature. This was augmented by the influence my two main Indian mentors had. This shift did not betray my vow that I would never accept what I hadn’t experienced first hand. It was this vow that had taken me from being an atheistic cynic to an experiential mystic. This personal evolution reached a further expansion following my bonding with Leanne, whose orientation had been Christian and Western. Her esoteric Christian background clashed but potentially complimented my Eastern leanings. It is in this light that the God word has become incorporated into my cornucopia of fluid and interchangeable symbols and words. So has the ‘Christ’ word. But to return to the core of this vignette, the experience of myself, my cat, dog, lizard and every living being I share this incredible cosmos with is that all are God in different stages of evolution towards consciousness of God; the ultimate self-consciousness!


This is inspired by a middle of the night contemplation and talk with Leanne. It is about distinguishing various developments of energy so that one has more conscious control over how they express. A picture emerges that can morph into many varied sub-pictures, all expressing a part of the big picture.

This begins with the recognition of how environment imprints the mind. Human life is primarily about the interplay between the outside and inside. The outside in all its complexity is what I’m naming ‘environment’ in this present context. All sentient beings likewise are engaged in a relational interplay with the environment.

By adulthood, via our relational experiences we are heavily imprinted biologically and neurologically; but also mentally and it this mental imprint that we generally refer to as ‘memory’. The environment triggers memories and these memories, in turn become emotions. An emotion (e-motion) is like a carrier of memory plus a desire towards or away from a repetition of the memory. It is a movement of energy from memory to emotion as desire, fear, anxiety, need and so on. It is then that emotion ‘moves’ into sensations.

Sensations are where the biological/chemical and neurological responses empower the emotions and craving or addictive sensations then seek that drink, cigarette, coffee, cocaine, sexual-encounter, shopping spree, junk food or whatever. The end result of this process is ‘action’. This cyclic process can be beneficial, benign and healthy, or unhelpful, malignant and unhealthy. In terms of healing the whole person, where one observes unhealthy habits or addictions, understanding the process outlined above can be a first step in transforming unhealthy energies into healthy ones.


The key is to recognize at what point a conscious intervention can take place and how. Creating a meditative inner space is crucial. Then understanding that the process that ends in actions begins with mental imprints. (Thoughts that are not as a result of mental imprints belong to another function of conscious mind, and are not the focus here). If one follows such mental imprints the movement into emotions can be observed. If the emotion is deemed healthy and beneficial (such as remembering a beautiful sunny day) then no harm need be attached but if the emotion leads to craving ice creams then it may be in one’s best interest to ‘let go’ of the craving and the memory that is feeding it. Rupert Sheldrake suggests that our own personal experiences create the strongest resonance. We resonate with memories that exist with the field of memories, something akin to Jung’s collective unconscious. The personal unconscious is a sub field of the collective unconscious. By letting go of the memory there may be a threshold of discomfort but the energy can then be refocused into a deeper inner calm, for instance. The motion from emotion to sensation is subtle. One way to distinguish between them is to know sensation as physiological and biological. The body has become involved. The organs, chemistry, nerves and secretions have been activated. Ordinarily, these shifts from one stage to another are almost imperceptible but with meditational practice awareness will increase and the earlier in the process one intervenes the movement the easier it is to transform the energy in healthier ways. This inner work is important for anyone who is serious about integrating the whole person and optimizing the potential to help others and the planet.


How do we individually and collectively optimize our sacred activist potentials at this crucial time of world history? It feels as if we have been electronically lobotomized, via television, radio and newsprint, but I ask why? It seems as if the greatest conspiracy is the anti-conspiracy propaganda. As if we can trust the authorities and powers that be, but I ask why are they hell bent on such social engineering? Allow me to enter a science fiction realm of speculative thought knowing that truth can be stranger than fiction. Allow me to join the ranks of so-called nutters like David Icke and speculate freely and wildly. It’s all about control, but why? The question ‘but why’ will lead us deeper into the underlying mystery. Control is because there have always been human individuals and groups that believe they are of a higher order or status than the majority. Royalty is a prime example of this. David Icke is correct when he points to an obsession with keeping bloodlines intact among the elite. No form of leadership can maintain pole position without support from others. Throughout history elite autocracies have sought to secure their status and have become the arbiters of the status quo. This often led to rivalry, coups, assassinations, revolutions and war. Underlying all these elites was a belief in the superiority of their own group. And inherent in these elites was a motivation to control the masses under their command. Since the Industrial revolution, some three hundred years ago, industrial and corporate elites have developed alongside royal and political elites and these different elite groups have joined forces in ways that are not so obvious to most. This is no accident. What we have now in 2012 is a hybrid of elite interest groups that control the resources, economies, and institutions and most insidiously, people of our planet. This is no conspiracy theory. It is transparently obvious to a discerning eye. The question can be asked ‘why is the fact of ruling elites a negative issue?’ After all, isn’t democracy meant to be a way of ruling ethically and in the interests of the majority? Aren’t royal families benign and serving a purpose as figureheads and ambassadors? This is where I get to let off some steam. For sure, we humans belong to one species, but there is a vast difference in types of consciousness. As I have expressed in other vignettes there are especially two main types of consciousness. One way of demarcating them is by naming them atheistic and spiritual, but underlying these two categories is a gulf in perception and belief. Indeed beliefs color perception. So what type of beliefs do elites tend to have? The right to rule is one. Charles Darwin popularized the belief that the life of all species obeyed a law of ‘the survival of the fittest’. Descartes had already placed man or rather mind at the centre of the universe. ‘I think therefore I am’ implied that thought ruled. Putting Darwin and Descartes together creates a type of survival of the cleverest or mentally fit, and guess who claims that position? We are not talking ‘wisdom’ here but ‘cleverness’. What type of cleverness; the cleverness that maintains the rulership of the cleverest elites, and who are these clever elites who are born to rule? It is a loop: a self-perpetuating loop. Now there are two trends that can occur within elites; they can compete or cooperate. If they compete they end up destroying each other. If they cooperate, compromise and communicate they can co-exist. And increasingly since the end of World War Two that has happened. The cooperation has become largely global. Is it such a bad development? It possibly prevents large-scale wars. But what we need to understand is that global elites are hierarchical in structure. They are pyramids. And who sits on top of the pyramids and what are their beliefs and perceptions? I believe that those at the top are mixed elites that includes royalty, heads of major multi-national corporations, some politicians, religious leaders, media heads and a few others of great wealth and status. This cabal is not ‘officially’ organized and spans across nations and any other outer façade. They have one main thing in common. They are all essentially atheists and/or scientific materialists, even religious heads, except a very few who are tolerated within the ranks as long as they don’t rock the boat too much. They are all essentially Cartesians and Darwinists. They still live in a Newtonian universe that runs according to calculus and mechanical law. They use statistics to confuse, befuddle and maintain control. So what are their core beliefs about the world and the future? I believe they view life as dispensable, controllable and scientifically malleable; in other words the planet and all that dwell upon her are seen as resources that are to be exploited to especially serve the interests of the elites. What then are these interests? They are hedonistic. The elites live in grandeur and aspire to ever more. They can choose to live materially in just about any way they choose. It is this material abundance that equates to success and the meaning of life. This means that everything is viewed essentially relative to the materialistic bottom line. This is what they most live for (unless a sudden perspective change occurs as it did with Princess Diana). This bottom line is what elites that otherwise live in quite different paradigms have in common. A member of the Royal family, a head of a global corporation, a media boss, a mafia head, a Pope, a President, a drug lord, an international banker, may all secretly or openly share a basic value; that of protecting and enhancing the privileged life style of the elite. Now comes the disgusting ugly bit. The elites will stop at nothing to enlarge and protect their empire. This then becomes a hierarchical top to bottom grid that uses everything and everyone as a means to ‘their’ ends; a Darwinian survival of the fittest that also becomes a survival of the most elite, of the greediest, most narcissistic, hedonistic, arrogant, ignorant, violent, manipulative, dishonest, fundamentalist, materialistic and atheist. Humans and other species are not perceived as living beings but rather as statistics on a balance sheet. Now this is where us ordinary folk enter into the picture. We are culpable because we allow it to happen. We have allowed it for so long that it is seems impossible to turn the tide. But what we all name nature is a living organism and will not quietly surrender to human hubris. Nature will overturn the tyrants and fascists of this world as it has always done. The strong will be humbled and the meek will be made strong. I believe that an accepted view that the ruling elites hold to is that life on planet earth can be engineered and sustained by new scientific breakthroughs. They know that climate change is for real and that industrial societies play a major role in that but science will fix everything, somehow! They know that pharmaceuticals, chemicals, alcohol, drugs, junk food, junk entertainment (commercial television and radio) are not what they are mooted as; they know their bottom line is the mighty dollar, no matter what it takes. They know that they lie as a matter of course every day of their lives; lie, deceive, cover-up, reframe and confuse. We swallow this cocktail of rubbish and toxicity. I believe that they know that this perpetual growth of mining our planet is destroying it and that environmental decline is leading to catastrophic events. They know this will probably lead to massive loss of life but they see this as a way of depopulating the planet. Indeed they are helping this process along by experimenting with technologies that the general public hardly knows anything about. But there is a possible saving grace that belongs to two interrelated dimensions.

The evolutional development of humans is both inner and outer and one reflects the other. As we evolve inwardly we create external technologies and systems that are counterparts. So far so good! But the motivations that humans have are mixed; both types of consciousness will use the same invention. The laws of physics can create a pulley or a cannon. The Internet is both a boon and a curse depending on how it’s used. The saving grace is that modern technologies are largely informational and communication oriented. There is a burgeoning alternative information network that covers just about everything including much that mainstream media won’t touch. There is a conspiracy to discredit all alternative information that doesn’t accord with the corporate agenda. It doesn’t really matter where members of the ruling elite fit in, they do fit by way of playing by the rules. Alternative information outlets have no such rules to comply with. This doesn’t mean that all alternative information is correct or that all mainstream information incorrect. It is way to complex for any black and white simplicity. Plus there are disinformation infiltrations that further complicate things. Who to trust! One way into clearer discernment is to study oneself honestly and dimensionally. Human nature is close at hand!

As it happened I held back in sharing some of my more extreme speculations. Maybe I’ll let a few slip out quietly. We are mutating. Evolution is about mutations but there are also genetically engineered mutations; media programmed mutations; medically and electronically manipulated mutations; and corporately dishonest mutations and so on. Our entire biosphere, ecosystem, the air we breath, the water we drink, the food we eat are being artificially mutated. The elite rulers are totally mad! They hold onto power because they believe they have the self-proclaimed right to do whatever they want. They do not think like the rest of us, although what would we choose if we could? How would you live if you suddenly had a billion dollars? How would wealth and status change you? Be honest!

Are there ethical non-atheistic people among the elite? Well, there is another elite that is different from those we have been placing under the microscope. This is the New Age, Spiritual, alternative health, celebrity elite. Everything is corporate fodder if a dollar can be made out of it. Where do we draw the line? What is too much or two little? What of our families needs? How do I become a balanced Homo Economicus? After all the worry about how to survive another week or year here I am at sixty-three living humbly in a beautiful small town with a loving wife and no debt. We don’t own much. We rent because we can’t afford to get a mortgage but what does it matter? It’s about attitude. It’s about consciousness. Back to the earlier question about ethical, non-atheistic people within the elite; yes there are. Infiltration occurs every which way. The information highway crosses across all boundaries. This too provides hope. One intelligent, awakening member of the power elite can influence from within. The same applies to every part of the hierarchical pyramid. When everything boils down simple caring for another is precious. The Dalai Lama extends that caring to everyone. I haven’t reached that level of caring yet but as my renegade Buddhist friend, Ferris, was saying earlier to me, one must be kind to oneself first, then something of that kindness will shine out onto others.

Would I feel kindness towards a dog that wanted to bite me? If I understood that the dog’s aggression was because its trauma was somehow triggered by my presence, what then? At the moment it wants to bite me I would try and protect myself. My feelings of kindness towards the dog would be mixed with the need to be kind to myself. Ferris has views that are challenging but worth contemplating deeply. He does not suffer fools gladly. He has little or no tolerance for those who violate another. He is especially unforgiving to religious authority figures that violate children, as he was himself violated as a child. His views about Tibetans who milk the unwary find a resonance in me. It is certainly not only Tibetans. I agree that spiritual materialism is rife and totally against the spirit of the true teachings of Jesus and Buddha. The Vatican is a monstrosity. The Buddhist temples with their Golden statues and paraphernalia drag the Buddhist persona into the marketplace. A Lama I know typifies this attitude and yet his teachings can be wise and beautiful. Of course, this extravagance is often justified by various means; for example, the acquiring of money for Tibetan Children’s education in India, but in truth it is obvious that is not entirely truthful. The Western Centres are dripping with material splendour and this just doesn’t feel right. This has always irked and challenged me. Both of my past Indian mentors had a typical taste for luxury. To be fair I can view these matters in various and contrary ways, as in all other matters. An example is the wonderful effect a first class music system can have when playing good music or a special film projected from a good digital system. There is a place for excellence. It is all relative and contextual. Both of my Indian teachers seemed to have a taste for the best money could buy. I am aware that having an anti-money or anti-abundance attitude can be also viewed as imbalanced. The question floating about me is, what is a balanced perspective, for me?

It is uncomfortable to realise that in the zone of beliefs, ideas and values, there is no absolute and fixed final word. The transcendent may shine through form, but as form (ideas included) it has only a relative value. In other words we are alone when it comes to our beliefs and attitudes. There is no final word of God. Yesterday was a typical day in many ways; there were a range of attitudes, beliefs and perspectives that came my way and this morning again, but what I acknowledge is that no-one’s words are mine; not even Buddha’s or Christ’s. Ultimately we all have to speak for ourselves from ourselves. This implies that I need to ask myself ‘what do I really, really believe?’ Given that other people’s beliefs and perspectives have bombarded me all my life the challenge is immense. If I ask myself one question, for instance, ‘what do I think about compassion?’ the challenge confronts me to delve very deep. It could be any question. What do I really feel, think and believe? Do I have a real sense of my own deep attitude and perspective? Or have I simply imbibed the views of others, my culture, parents, peer group and so on? Of course some views and words of others have and will strongly resonate with my own feelings and thoughts. Even some will speak for my heart at the deepest level and in words that I could never had expressed. At such moments it’s as if my inner ears open and a voice exclaims ‘yes, that’s it!’ That is sometimes referred to as the ‘aha’ syndrome. Those ‘aha’ moments can also come from within without any external stimulus. We mirror each other but also have our own unique reflections!

The word ‘responsibility’ came up today. Anita told me that in President Obama’s 2012 victory speech he made reference to the need for individuals to take personal responsibility. We are all in this together; not to exploit each other according to some cockeyed Darwinian/Dawkins view of a jungle type universe; but rather to recognise the divine nature of life that seeks consciousness and balance. We come back again to the notion that atheism is a disease or I’d say creates dis-ease. Personal responsibility is yet hedonistic if there are no consequences that I need to be concerned with. Of course the orthodox Western religious view that there is no reincarnation (other than an otherworldly heaven or hell) is also a type of atheism, in that it distances us from our responsibility to the divine transcendence within matter. It separates spirit from matter and then creates an insane theology or materialistic science that makes personal responsibility ‘a dog eat dog’ survival of the fittest (or greediest, most militaristic, patriarchal) that is destroying the very mother earth that sustains us. Which leads me back to the sacred marriage, Hieros Gamos, the weddedness between the sacred feminine and masculine!

It isn’t easy to break through the programmed apathy and petty triviality that surrounds us like a thick fog. It is a fog that can enshroud me and render me comatose. I know this state of heaviness. It is almost too difficult to put finger to keypad and type these words, that appear on the screen like lost orphans. I know it’s not only me. Something is happening. The weather has become very weird, as if there is a layer of artificiality about it. I’ve never known such inconsistent, weird weather patterns. It feels like there is something sinister in the atmosphere. I also know that the spirit is greater than all else. Somethings gotta give! It feels like a heavy calm before a powerful storm; an unusual storm. The forces of evil are so hell-bent on getting their way, but again I know that they are destined to self-destruct. Evil is love spurned or love wounded or love denied. Behind the veil of destruction and insane ignorance, a sweet love refrain awaits an ear. So once again words have tumbled out from somewhere. Something within stirs even if only a ripple and a moment in time. I can hear the flute of Kokapelli. He is a mystic flautist whose haunting tones can be heard in secluded wilderness, but even I can ‘sense’ his distant presence; just an occasional wave of sound; an odd frequency that penetrates the gloom. And a few words of advice whisper with the flute; ‘feel the melancholy as a friend’. ‘Love the heavy clouds as well as the sunshine’. ‘Feel the deep sorrow for the suffering of planet Earth and all sentient beings including yourself’. ‘Love the unpredictability of every moment even when nothing seems to be happening’. These words of advice bounce around in my inner flatland and a thin smile erupts across my face. It’s at times like this that Angels appear out of the clouds if one has the eyes to see them. I saw one and she even spoke to me!

It’s all on hold at the moment. That’s the challenge. Even what is speedy is in slow motion. Or they are strangely mixed. Sadness and humour; boredom and anticipation; frustration and patience, all mixed and jumbled together and Kokapelli’s flute somewhere in the ether. And excuse my poetic bone but I see hungry ghosts wandering about seeking love. They may not know it but they are lonely and thirsty for magic. We all are deep down: down under! We are all ghosts seeking to incarnate into vibrant life. Ghosts with spirit eyes glazed over; with smiles that reveal effort; and yet a sweet refrain sweeps across the turgid space; Kokapelli lives! I hope that a whiff of Kokapelli’s scent (yes, he has a wild, desert aroma) can pass form me to the weary and lost. I hope his poetic nature can transform my heaviness into light rays; and has he not. Has he not helped to bring forth these words? Now he whispers ‘boo’ and then ‘have a break: coffee-time!’

There is a build up of creative energy about to burst forth upon the world. It has to because Spirit cannot hold back much longer. This is true for me too. The heavy clouds of apathy and weariness weigh upon my soul. I think I’m falling ill: a cold perhaps. I’m feeling a little like a trapped bird. The weather has changed again. I’m not feeling light or bright. A dull shadow engulfs my heart. There is hardly any motivation or enthusiasm to do anything and yet I do things including writing this. Moods change like the weather but I’ve been feeling out of sorts for days: perhaps since the sudden change in my hernia situation. The evening before my operation the surgeon rang me concerned about my enlarged prostate, so it’s all on hold until I get tests done. It’s as if I’ve lost the will to go on: as if none of it means anything. I’m cared out! I feel care exhaustion. I don’t want to care for a while: about anything, but I still have to go through some of the motions. I guess everything feels like it’s on hold or is delayed but just now a technician rang to say he is on the way here. We have been without Internet for one week. That’s symbolic of how I feel: all shut down! There is hope. His call can be viewed as symbolic too. This too will pass!


Karma! What appear isolated events are never so. Everything belongs to a web of consequential moments, decisions, actions, thoughts and so on. So a single situation is a moving consequence of the way the web evolves and continues to. Every thought and action we make feeds into this living, moving web even if incrementally. So the hens come home to roost. The peak outcomes are those in this continuum that stand out. Situations are not black and white: everyone involved has input, and that belongs to a larger web, called the company, government, corporation and so on; but coming back the other way it belongs to me and other individuals. It is this interplay between the many levels that make up the web of human existence that complicates matters ‘on the ground’, so to speak. How complex, but within this complexity I see many fault lines. Situations happen because of many imbalances that are habitual and hardly noticeable. One is that when someone is too stretched often by taking on too much, then somethings get dealt with badly or not at all. A person cannot give the fullness of focus and energy to everything that needs it. So what is a priority? And everyone who is a part of a particular web inputs positively or negatively (or both) and ultimately we are all of course a part of the same universal web: welcome back to fractal evolution. This plays itself out in various ways. Of course I am playing my part too. When is enough, enough before one simplifies one’s life? Each one of us must take personal responsibility for our own ‘karma’. Karma is not judgmental: it is simply the ‘principle’ of consequences as it plays out within the matrix or web. Indeed, it brings me to a primary question. What exactly do I want? How do I want to live my life? What is at stake is taking personal responsibility for the way the matrix is playing out in my life: in my mind, body and soul.

The picture keeps changing. Seemingly chance situations and conversations begin to look more like scripted scenarios. An archetypal topic that keeps popping up is that of Quantum consciousness. An aspect of quantum thinking is the realization that we all individually put our own perspective spin on everything. If we choose to shift our view the view shifts! Taking personal responsibility itself takes on a new perspective when we take responsibility for the spins we create and identify with. I have noticed that when my emotions are triggered my perspective can include assumptions that are skew whiffed, and sometimes embarrassingly proven as greatly distorted or way off the facts. Perceptions are compounded by obvious and subtle shifts in personal mood, attitude and perspective: in other words perceptions are not static and nor are thoughts, emotions and situations. This is a complex interplay of overlapping and simultaneous, ever changing elements. Of course within this flux we seek stability, certainty and harmony. Within this kaleidoscopic ever-shifting matrix there is one constant: awareness. Awareness in its simple pure state is that aspect of consciousness that just is. Welcome back to meditative mindfulness in its essential isness!


If I chose this vignette to be the book’s finale how would I choose to end it? The working title was ‘The Future Is Now’. So I feel to write something about what that means. Time is a fiction. Let’s begin there. What I mean is that the concept of time is exactly that; a concept, a convenient concept. Outside of its conceptual arena what is time? There is nothing wrong with creating concepts that fulfill a utilitarian purpose. Time as a fiction is most useful. It provides us with a sense of continuity and gives us the concepts of past, present and future, but within a quantum universe consciousness is omnipresent, meaning that whenever I am aware, I am now. When my memory of the past is activated I am remembering what then was now. And whatever the future will be it will be now, every Nano second. Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘The Power Of Now’ indicates where the only true power resides: right here, right now! So the future is always now as it moves: the future is a moving now, as long as I am conscious. There is no real ending to this story; it is another never-ending story. There will be no final book. Waves are coming in and there will always be another!


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